Why don’t men outside of my race approach me?

B86Knows says:

I am an educated Caribbean American women. I am attractive, very shapely, with a caramel complexion. I get approached daily by a number of men, but very rarely any one outside of my race. When I tried online dating I got a few inquiries from men of different races which is cool, but never in bar, party or event. Its like we make eye contact and give the flirty smiles but it doesn’t go beyond that. I want date more outside my race but even living in NY, it seems difficult in a sense. Should I just approach the men I’m interested in? Is there a place that I should hang out to meet these men? Is there anything I could do to make myself more approachable?

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Demetrius says:

Interracial dating in America has a very complicated history, to put it mildly. You’re dealing with a topic that, depending on the year and state, was illegal or generally frowned upon. Interracial marriage became legal across the entire US in 1967 with the Civil Rights act, but the attitudes of people don’t necessarily change with the changes of laws. Interracial dating and marriage is a subject which people have a varied levels of acceptance and opinions on, and I don’t want to be the person that generalizes every man you meet, but I do want to be honest about the dating landscape.

Let me first start by saying, I have a very serious and significant bias on this subject. My mother is a black woman, and she dated (and married) a man outside of her “race”. My father was Puerto-Rican, which isn’t a race by the way. Chances are good that he had some mix of European, Black, and some varying degree of Mestizo ancestry (as many hispanics do), but if you asked the US Census, he’d go down as “White”.

Me, my Father, my Mother, my Brother, the Tao of Indifference podcast co-host Delaney. Adorable baby, right?

I only wanted to say, some people might disagree with me about why you, as a black woman in NY, aren’t getting approached by men who are not black, and they can disagree. I’m biased, and my opinion is going to differ from say, the opinion of a White Man or White Woman. My insights are based on my personal experiences which include growing up around black women, being raised by a black woman, and the fact that yes, I’m black and the byproduct of an interracial relationship. My biases are as evident as the color of my mother’s skin. Chances are, when you described your skin tone, you were describing a skin tone that is pretty close to my mom’s. So yeah, bias stated, sorry if what I say next offends some people but hey, it’s my blog.

I can’t speak for all men who approach you, but if I had to guess why men aren’t approaching you it’s a mix of the following factors:

• Some men are afraid to approach women
• Some  men are afraid to approach black women
• Some  men wont date outside of their race
• Some  men will date outside of their race, but not black women
• Some men, conforming to the Western ideal of beauty, do not find black women attractive
• Some  men feel as though they can’t date black women because they wont be accepted by friends, family, and peers
• Some people wont date outside of their race because they are racist

Now, I didn’t number them because who even knows how those responses would be ranked? We can’t know for sure why exactly some men wont date black women, just know that sometimes, part of the reason you aren’t being approached by men is because you’re a black woman.  Every single one of those reasons above is something I’ve heard personally from men of varying races, ethnicity, and ethnoreligious groups and I’ve also heard these same reasons from various women of color, having been told these things directly. Again, it isn’t scientific, so please don’t come to me with that #NotAllMen, #NotAllWhiteMen nonsense. I get that already and I’m not saying that all men have those issues. It’s entirely possible that the men you are encountering just don’t find you attractive regardless of your race OR you’re encountering a lot of men who are taken. With that said, let’s just move on.

The reasons why men might not approach you are clear. Some men don’t approach women, period. Some men, for whatever reason, wont date a black woman, or any woman who is outside of their race. Now, knowing why the men don’t approach you doesn’t necessarily matter all that much, because you can’t change why some men are into you. You can make yourself seem more approachable by using positive body language by smiling, making eye-contact, not crossing your arms when you speak to men, etc, but it sounds like you already do. all those things You can also try approaching men you’re interested in if you’re finding that these men aren’t approaching you as frequently as you would like. I know it’s unorthodox for a woman to approach men, but remember that for some men, dating a black woman is unorthodox in and of itself. Ultimately though, I would encourage that you try online dating as well. I’m not saying that online dating is some sort of paradise of love and acceptance, but it at least increases your odds of meeting more men that you wouldn’t normally encounter just by increasing the total volume of people you encounter. There’s only so many guys in a bar, but millions of guys are online dating.

Now it’s time for some harsh truths for you to digest. About 8% (1 of 12) of marriages in the USA were interracial marriages as of 2010. Of those interracial marriages, Black women have the least prevalent level of interracial marriages, even less than Black men. Whites, the racial majority group in the US, are statistically the least likely to marry outside of their race. You’re also less likely to get messages while online dating, and you’ll be perceived as less attractive because you’re black. To put it plainly, the odds are not in your favor, and I’m sorry for that. It’s not something I agree with or condone, but those are the facts as they stand. People tend to date within their race, and the reasons are varied, but that’s just the way things are. I don’t agree with it, and I wish people were more open-minded, but that isn’t going to change anything today.

But enough bleakness. It’s not impossible to date inter-racially, I’m clearly the living proof of that. So, here are some tips to help you get your interracial dating experience. For one, you might have to be more aggressive than you normally would. Approach men, start dating online and initiate, join social groups (meetup groups, social sports leagues, book clubs, etc.) and just put yourself out there. Increase the volume of single men you encounter on a regular basis and eventually, one of them will be into you. One word of caution, be wary of the type of man who dates you specifically because you’re black, because you’re a symbol for him, not a person. A lot of men want a black woman to cross “slept with a black woman” off their bucket list, or worse, they fetishize and exoticize black women. With all of that said let just end on a good note. The opinion of the average American regarding Interracial marriages has steadily improved to the point where most Americans approval of Interracial marriages. If nothing else, the odds of dating inter-racially will only increase as the years go on and Americans become more and more open-minded.

As always, and especially in your case, I really do wish you a large amount of good luck. It’s incredibly hard dating as a woman, and especially so as a black woman. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to take a lot of work, you’re going to be dealing with a lot of prejudices and b.s., but dating inter-racially isn’t impossible. I’m living proof of that.

Good Luck Out There.