Me and my girlfriend have been dating for 5 years, we were in high school when we started dating. One thing she told me, repeatedly told me, is that her parents are racists and if we were still together after high school we’d have to break up.
Well, 3 years after high school and we’re still together, keeping our relationship a secret from her parents. Now she said she’s tired of lying to them, and it’ll be easier to break up now rather than to invest even more time and break up when the parents get involved.
I thought I should try to introduce myself as a friend or a study partner or something since we’re both in college. The only problem is, they caught me in her house when I snuck over to play video games. So they know my face and probably don’t want anything to do with me.
I’m looking for any kind of advice or help to better the situation. Thanks in advance!
I’m guessing you haven’t seen Get Out yet, huh?
But seriously though, you’re asking how to help better the situation and I have a really simple solution: Break up with her. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you should judge someone by their parents ignorance. I think sometimes you should, and sometimes you shouldn’t. In your case, it’s clear that issue here isn’t that your girlfriend’s parents are racists, it’s how that’s directly impacting your relationship.
We’ve all got family members, or friends who don’t agree with some of the choices we make, and that’s just part of life, but our actions and reactions to their opinions are what really matter. If you were dating someone whose parents disapproved of them dating you, but they chose to date you anyway, you could probably make things work. If you’re dating someone whose parents disapprove of them dating you, and they use that as a justification to break up with you, no amount of advice I give you will ever make things better. The parents aren’t the issue, her reaction to their racism is the issue.
The problem isn’t that her parents are racists, the problem is that her reaction to their racism is to hide your relationship from them. Her parents aren’t the problem, the problem was that she was willing to break up with you 3 years ago because her parents are racists. The problem isn’t her parents, the problem is that she’d rather lie to racists to placate them. The problem isn’t her parents being scum of the Earth racists who deserve neither sympathy nor safe haven wherever they may roam, the problem is that after years of dating she thinks that her only options are continuing to lie to her parents, or just ending things now.
There’s only one solution to this problem: Leave her. And never look back. Her reaction to her parents racism tells you what you need to know about her, and what your future together would look like. I promise you this, no woman worth her salt would ever suggest you lie about who you are, or hide your relationship from her parents. There are plenty of people out there whose parents are racists, bigots, anti-Semites, and they don’t let the fact their parents are garbage humans stop them from dating people of all stripes.
We’re not responsible for the close-mindedness of our family or friends, but we are responsible for how we let that impact us. You’re not going to change her parents minds by trying to ingratiate yourself with her parents by subterfuge, nor should you want to. Racists don’t deserve your kindness, or consideration. More importantly, someone who is willing to let racists determine who they can and cannot date isn’t worth your time either.
Good Luck Out There.