Do you have to be good at cold approaching women to succeed in dating?

Himalayan_Hillbilly asks:

So basically every piece of dating advice discusses how you need to get comfortable approaching women whenever and wherever in order to get good with women. However, I have a number of buddies who are really good with women, and I don’t think any of them would be comfortable with just walking up to a random person on the street and talking to them and asking them out. Is this really that important or are there other more important pieces?

Demetrius says:

Do you follow basketball? Just go with me here if you don’t. In Basketball, the best players are either specialists who are highly skilled at specific skills or skill groups, and what they call “two-way” players, people who are skilled all around on both sides of the basketball. Steph Curry is highly specialized on offense, specifically when it comes to long and mid-range shooting. LeBron James is a two-way player. He’s as renowned for his offense as he is for his defense. While Steph Curry is much better than LeBron James in his specialization, shooting 3 pointers, LeBron James is better at finishing in the painted area, and significantly better on the defensive end. Both guys excel on the court, but do so in different ways. Which brings me to cold approaches, and why I don’t think you have to be good at them to succeed in dating.

Think of the cold approach skill like being able to shoot 3 point shots. It’s a skill that many people can and do develop, but you don’t absolutely need this skill to succeed. Kareem Abdul Jabbar made a total of 1 three pointers from 1979 to 1989 and he’s still one of the best basketball players of all time. It pays to have specialized skill sets in dating, but you don’t HAVE to get good at specialized skills to be successful. I’m sub par at best at cold approaching women and I’m very good at dating. The reason why is that I might be mediocre at cold approaching, but I’m very good at a lot of the other skills you need to be successful at dating. Being able to comfortably communicate with women, having interesting things to talk about, planning good dates, and so on. You wont need to get really good at cold approaching to succeed in dating, but you will need other skills.

The number one skill that will help you succeed in dating is being able to hold a conversation. You don’t need to get really good at public speaking, but if you can’t hold a conversation with people you’re dating, all the other skills you might have become worthless. If you can effortlessly cold approach women at a bar, but have nothing to talk about on a first, second, or third date, being good at cold approaching becomes worthless. If you’re really good at sending first messages on dating apps, but can’t hold a conversation, you’ll never actually go on dates. I’m guessing that your friends who are good at dating, but aren’t necessarily good at cold approaching women are probably good at holding conversations.

What building that skill comes down to is repetition and having things to talk about it. If you feel like you suck at conversations you’re not alone, but taking the basketball analogy for one last ride, you have to take shots before you can make shots. The only way to get better at conversations is to have conversations. Just get comfortable talking to people, then strangers, then strangers you find attractive. For some people it’s easy, for others it takes work, but it can be done. As for having things to talk about, that’s really all about living a life worth talking about, or just learning about things that are worth talking about. Travel if you can afford to, but if you can’t, go out of your way to gain experiences that require little to no money. I grew up poor in one of the most expensive cities in America and my mother still exposed me to all the arts, culture, and learning experiences in New York City that she could find that were cheap or free.  If she could do that, while also raising a couple of kids, before smartphones, you have no excuses for why you can’t find free ways to enrich your life in 2017 and beyond. Read up on subjects you’re interested in, consume pop culture you’re interested in, hell, consume pop culture you’re not interested in just so you have something to talk about. You don’t have to become the most knowledgable person in the world, but you should be able to have conversations about more than just basketball.

Good Luck Out There.

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