“Seriously, why do I suck at dating?” is something I get asked so very often, that I figured it was time for a refresher on why you suck at dating. Don’t worry, it’s not all doom and gloom, I promise.
You don’t put in effort
If you’re dating online, what’s on your profile? Did you put effort into it, or do you have a blank profile? Do you put effort into the messages you send? Do you put effort into responding to people’s messages? Do you put effort into searching for matches?
If you’re dating offline, do you make yourself available to date? Do you try to put an effort into figuring out what you want, and what sort of person would meet your needs? Do you put effort into date planning? Do you try at all, to go on dates, and to follow-up with the people you go on dates with?
In dating, you get what you give. It’s not always the case obviously, but if you meet someone who *would* want to pursue something with you, someone who is willing to put in effort, and you put in low or no effort, they’ll move on to find someone who will put in effort. If you’re not trying, you’re basically quitting. If you want to do better when you date, maybe try a little bit, okay?
You’re still hung up on someone else
Nothing turns someone off more than knowing that the person they’re on a date with is still hung up on someone else. It doesn’t have to be an ex, it could be the last date you went on and how bad the experience was, or a friend with benefits who you’d rather be with. You can even be hung up on someone you’ve never actually dated.
You’ve become jaded and it shows
Dating is one of those things where, the longer you do it, the easier it is to become jaded. And because you have to date to meet someone, we all tend to perpetuate a cycle where we become more and more jaded while we try to find someone.
You don’t actually want to date
You would be surprised by how many people out there don’t actually want to date. Some people dread the process, some people want to jump straight into a relationship, and some people have conflicted feelings about dating and dating culture. It’s hard to be good at something, to not suck at it, if you don’t want to be doing it.
You don’t suck at dating, you’ve just had a bunch of sucky experiences
All those other reasons aside, odds are good that this reason applies to you. Most people who think they suck at dating don’t actually suck at dating, they’ve just had a string of bad dating experiences. You probably DO put effort into dating, and still have bad dating experiences. You’re not hung up on anyone, you just have had a bunch of bad dating experiences. You’re not jaded, and you DO want to date, you just can’t seem to find someone who clicks with you.
My advice, keep doing the things you think work, but don’t be afraid to switch up some of your behaviors. Try out new and different dating apps, if you’re finding that the people you keep finding on dating apps aren’t a good fit. If everyone you meet on Dating App A isn’t a fit for you, why not try out Dating App B, C, D, and so on. If dating finance bros isn’t working, maybe try dating artists, designers, and creative types. Date outside of the confines of your comfort zone because for all you know, what’s comfortable for you might not be working to help you find someone who is a good fit for you.
Take risks, and remember that your failures in dating are usually not an indication of your worth as a person. Everyone has sucky dating experiences, even me. However long they last, they’ll eventually end. Whether they end because you meet someone amazing, or you find peace with what dating brings you, trust me on this, they’ll end. The key is to not sink into the behaviors I mentioned above. Always put in effort, even when it feels like that effort is mostly wasted, because one day you’ll meet someone who it wont be wasted on. Never stay hung up on someone, whether it was a bad breakup, or just a really bad date, don’t dwell on the past. Don’t become jaded, because you should always give your all, and becoming jaded will only hold you back. Don’t date unless you want to date. If you’re feeling burned out, it’s okay to take a break from dating. It’s ESPECIALLY okay to take a break from dating apps, those things can be incredibly demoralizing.
Just don’t beat yourself up too much, you’re probably way less sucky at dating than you think. Seriously. If you’ve ever asked yourself if you were sucky at dating, you probably could use a few pointers, but you’re probably not as bad at dating as you think. Dating is tough, and it can lead to all sorts of feelings of insecurity. Dating (occasionally) sucks, but you probably don’t.
Good Luck Out There.