How do I subtly show her I want to be more than friends?


leo_rugiet asks:

Don’t want to be to direct because this is the first time we’ve hung out in a year. I took her on a very nice date last December, I thought she was into me, but she started going out with this other guy. I have stayed so patient… so so so patient. She means so much to me. And I really want to be with her. I don’t care if I have to wait another year, I just want to be with her. 

How do I show her that?

Demetrius says:

You know what always stands out to me as a red flag? Whenever someone says something like “I just want to be with them, no matter the cost”. Now, you might not be saying it outright, but there is definitely a sense that’ what you’re saying when you say that you’d wait another year for someone is that you’d wait for as long as it takes. What’s 2 more years if you’re willing to wait another year? What’s 5 more years if you can wait 2 more years? What’s dying alone if you can wait 5 more years?

I think that there’s a certain value in being a hopeless, Neruda quoting romantic, but you should always temper those romantic feelings with a little bit of realism. It’s okay to say that you’d be interested in seeing someone if they came back into your life in another year and the circumstances were right, it’s another to say that you just don’t care if it takes that long. You should care! Time is the one resource everyone has, that is truly not renewable, and to devalue that resource on the hopes that you’ve got a shot with someone who has shown you no romantic interest is silly. There’s nothing wrong with having an idea in the back of your mind that if someone is available in a year you’d want to date them, but you also shouldn’t put your life on pause. That goes for everyone. If you’re single, and feel like you’ve met someone amazing but the timing isn’t right, you don’t have to abandon your feelings for them, but you shouldn’t put your life on pause for them either.

As for how to subtly communicate your interest in this woman…maybe don’t? Seriously, what does subtlety gain you in your current situation? Which, let’s talk about your situation. Personally, I don’t think you’ve got a shot, at all, based on what you’ve said. If someone goes out with someone else on a first date, and then that person proceeds to start dating someone else immediately after that, that’s not a good sign. I just don’t see how you have a shot now, even if she is single. Just because someone is single doesn’t necessarily mean you have a shot. I also don’t get how this person means so much to you. Unless you left details about this story where you’ve known each other for years, all I see is that you went on one date, then you haven’t seen each other in a year, and in that time she’s come to mean a lot to you. The math just isn’t adding up here. What happened over this last year to create this level of devotion bordering on obsession? How can someone you went on a nice date with last December, who then went on to date someone else and started dating them, inspire such fervor? Honestly, I just think it’s all a little misplaced but…that’s not really what you’re asking, is it?

I guess the most “subtle” way to communicate your interest would just be to ask her out on a date. That’s pretty direct for most people, but considering that you’re saying things like “She means so much to me”, asking her on a date seems pretty subtle for you. If you really want to be subtle, maybe avoid saying things like “You mean so much to me” or “I really want to be with you, I don’t care if I have to wait another year, I just want to be with you”. You’ve waited in the wings for a whole year, so while I appreciate your commitment to being subtle, the time for real subtlety has passed.

Be direct about wanting to take her on a date, and be subtle about the all the other “If I must wait to be with you in the next life, so be it” stuff.

Good Luck Out There.

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