Asked her out 20 days after our last date and she said yes. What’s your take?


ThumpaMonsta asks:

Ok so quick rundown :

Had 2 dates with a week between them with this girl from Tinder. I am in no way desperate or deluded. After second date tried to ask her out and got a “not free sorry” kind of text. So I replied with “HMU whenever” (texts aren’t word for word, just the message). After nearly 20 days of not hearing from her I thought ‘what the heck’ and asked this morning “Long time no see, are you free this weekend ?” she replied within the hour “happy coincidence, I’m free tonight, u ?”

What is your take on this? I don’t mind being a second/third or fourth option (not being “beta” about it), but I wouldn’t mind enjoying a pleasant evening (and maybe some) in her company because she is quite a nice person (both looks and brain wise).

Demetrius says:

Before I start I want to just say…one of my least favorite things to come out of the Pickup artist community is the concept of Alphas and Betas. It just fosters a skewed way to look at the world of dating that people use to sell books and products to men with low self-esteem. Seriously, it’s all based on weird pseudo science, and the guys who aspire to be Alphas often use being obnoxious and abrasive as a substitute for confidence. If you don’t mind being someone’s 2nd, 3rd, or 4th option because they’re obviously not a priority to you, there’s no need to qualify it by saying “not being ‘beta’ about it”. Be a man on your own terms, not the terms of some random “masculinity expert” trying to sell you a $10 book they self published on their website. Anyway, let’s move on.

There’s nothing wrong with going on a date with someone who hasn’t prioritized you, especially if you haven’t prioritized them, with one big caveat. I’ve been on a few dates like this where we both lost contact or just didn’t really put in the effort to see each other, reconnected, then hung out again, and it can go well. Here’s how: The effort, energy, time, cost, etc. you put into the date should match  the amount of effort, energy, time, cost, etc. the person has put into seeing you and keeping in contact. If you’ve got an on-again-off-again relationship with someone, and so far all you’ve ever done with them is go on dive bar dates, don’t take them out for steak and lobster the next time you reconnect. The dates you go on with people should match the level of effort and interest they show in you. If you’re dating someone, and things are pretty serious, and there is clear interest and effort on both sides, put in the effort to match that. Someone you went on two dates with, then didn’t see for 20 days? I’d put in exactly bare-minimum effort. I’m not saying put in zero effort, I’m just saying maybe don’t try to impress them just yet.

You’re both clearly not all that into each other, and it doesn’t feel like either one of you is trying to take advantage of the other person, so just go out and have fun, with no expectations, and remember, don’t go over the top with date planning. If she’s good company, and you’re not going out of your way to impress her, you really have nothing to lose.

Good Luck Out There.

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