Do you think I’m being led on?


throwthrowaway_1234 asks:

Am I being led on? 

So a couple of months ago I started talking to a new guy, we got along really well, but the only issue is he doesn’t live near me anymore but often comes home. We have mutual friends and they all told me how nice he was so I continued talking to him. One thing that annoys me is the only way we actually communicate is over snapchat, we have each other’s numbers but we never text. A few weeks ago we went from speaking all day every day to hardly speaking at all (i.e. ~2 snaps a day) and he claimed it was because he was busy which I accepted due to the nature of his job. My problem lies with this week, he came home to see his family for a few days and I thought maybe we could go out and meet each other because during the talkative phase he said he wanted to take me out but we never did. I keep trying to initiate conversations over Snapchat but I don’t really get much in return so I feel like he isn’t interested anymore but when I’ve expressed them concerns he’s told me he is. Another point which I didn’t want to mention because it makes me sound weird is that I’ve taken to looking at his snap score and there are times where it’ll only go up by 1-2 points during the day but then on a night it can go up by ~100 points which makes me feel like he’s just talking to someone new like we used to. Do you guys think I’m being led on? I don’t really know what to think because he’s gave no indications of being a “fuckboy” but he could be covering it up really well.

Demetrius says:

There are a couple of things that this question brings up that I want to address,so let me lay them out:

  • The concept of “being led on”
  • How to read someone’s intentions by their actions
  • “Fuckboys”

Here’s something that’s actually happened to me: I made plans to meet a woman for drinks, but the day before our scheduled plans, suddenly she had no money for drinks (meh, it happens, NYC is expensive), transportation (hmm?), to pay her phone bill (okay, now you lost me), and finally, her hotel room (*makes jerk off gesture with hand*). She then said she couldn’t do drinks unless I paid for the drinks, and that she also needed me to pay for a taxi to the venue and back to her hotel, and you know, maybe chip in on her phone bill, and who even knows what she expected out of me for the hotel situation. Had I agreed to meet, I would have been allowing myself to be led on. So when you ask “Am I being led on?”, what you should ask is “Am I allowing myself to be led on?”. You know what it takes to be led on? A willingness to keep letting someone attempt to beguile you.

So, are you being led on? It seems like there’s definitely a bit of being led on, but more than anything else, the guy in question is showing you he’s losing interest. There’s definitely a bit of him leaving breadcrumbs for you so that you maintain a certain level of interest, but mostly he’s showing you where you fall in his priorities. Someone who communicates with you primarily through secondary means, whether that’s Snapchat, or Instagram DMs, or anything that isn’t just calling or texting is showing you that yeah, they like you, but not enough to communicate via text. Full disclosure here, I’m wary of anyone who uses Snapchat to communicate because it just seems like something you’d do if you’re cheating. It just seems shady to me, but hey, I’m old-fashioned. I also don’t think that daily communication is necessarily an indicator of interest so much as it is means you’ve got a lot of spare time. There are people I communicate with on a daily basis on Twitter who, while awesome, I don’t necessarily regard them as fondly as I do my Mother, who I speak to like once a week. Sending a text every day is easy, doing it on a consistent basis, and having it be substantive, is what matters more. The fact that he used to text on a daily basis, but now doesn’t, doesn’t mean that he’s leading you on, it means that he’s showing you where you stand with him through his actions.

Which is what I mean by reading intentions by looking at someone’s actions. If someone tells you verbally that they want to be with you every day, but puts in the effort to meet you once a month, what does that tell you? When a guy sends you texts (or Snapchat DMs) every day, but doesn’t put in effort to hang out with you when he’s in town, what does that say? Yeah he’s leading you on a bit, but he’s also telling you exactly who he is with his actions. I say this as someone who is very good at bullshitting, and reading people on their bullshit, so trust me (or maybe don’t). What people say matters 10% of the time, what they do matters 90% of the time. “We should hang out” is all well and good, but until they actually put in the effort to see you, assume that they don’t want to see you.

Finally, let’s talk about “fuckboys”. I think a lot of people get so caught up in the idea of “fuckboys”, that they’ll tolerate a lot of dating behaviors that they don’t like specifically because they aren’t what a fuckboy would do. The fact that you said that the guy in question didn’t do anything that would give an indication that he’d be a fuckboy, but now you’re wondering if he’s leading you on, is a great example of what I mean. You were comparing him to an idea in your mind, of what a fuckboy is and what they do. I’m guessing that your idea of what a fuckboy is involves casual sex seeking, an aversion to commitment, only communicating to get booty calls, and so on.  Maybe all it took to convince you was that he didn’t suggest a Netflix and Chill date. The thing is, someone doesn’t have to be a fuckboy to be the sort of man you wouldn’t want to date. You can look for a commitment and still lead people on. You can be the sort of man who isn’t looking for casual sex and still be a bad person. Just want to be clear, this isn’t an admonition to not use the term. What I would recommend is. in the future, instead of trying to see if a person you’re dating has the same some sort of behaviors as some internet slang strawman, maybe just ask yourself “Am I cool with this?”. Sure, he wasn’t acting in a way that a fuckboy would, but you’re clearly not cool with his behavior if you feel like you’re being ignored and led on.

Just something to consider. Anyway, here’s my advice. Consider him a lost cause. If he follows through to meet you and proves me wrong, awesome, but I doubt he will. He’s shown you who he is, and how interested in you he is. Whether you choose to let him lead you on is entirely up to you.

Good Luck Out There.

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