We’re official after one date. Did I make a mistake?


Takedis2dgrave asks:

We’ve known each other and have been talking constantly for about 10 days. She really likes me and she’s genuine about it. She’s all I can ask for in a girl. We hung out a couple of times and had our first official date. We get along really well and we have similar personalities. We’re also both inexperienced (although she doesn’t know this). After we talked for about an hour. She asked me “what are we” and wanted a serious reply. I didn’t jump straight into it, but I flirted with the question and garnered that she was willing and ready. I said that we could make it happen.

I’m thinking about it now and compared to everyone else, it’s extremely fast to make it official.

Demetrius says:


The thing is that depending on the action and the person, literally anything you do can be perceived as a mistake. Let’s say you get a job offer that will take you halfway across the world, but you’d need to leave the love of your life behind because, I dunno, it’s in a bunker with no phone or internet access.Whatever you decided, whether it’s staying where you are to be with the person you’ve always dreamed of, or taking the job you’ve always dreamed of, someone could say either choice was a mistake. Some things in life are simple, and there’s a clear right or wrong. A lot of things in life, and especially in dating, are rarely that clean-cut.

I will say this, I think it was premature to entire into a commitment with someone you’ve known for 10 days, who you’d spent about 1 hour in person with. I think that someone asking “what are we?” after spending an hour together is a red flag. That said, you’re both inexperienced, so I’m guessing it’s less of a red flag for the reasons it would be for me. If I went on a date with a woman, and she asked “what are we” I would say “Getting drinks?” mostly because I’m a smart ass, but also because I’m experienced enough to know that the sort of person who would do that is a bad fit for me. Back to my point, I want to emphasize that I think that all of this was premature, but not necessarily a mistake.

Compared to everyone else, it really was a very fast transition from talk to commitment but hey, you can’t really compare people’s dating lives in a meaningful way. I know I write about dating and relationships, but I’ll be the first to tell you that the “experts” and I use the term begrudgingly, myself included, can never be 100% correct about the ways people should date. Whether it’s how many drinks to have on a date, or how many dates to wait to have sex, or the best place to have a first date, the “experts” aren’t giving you advice based on some sort of universally true and accepted guidebook, they’re just sharing what they perceive to be their best practices. Personally, I don’t think it’s a best practice to commit to someone who you have known for less than one lunar cycle, because dude, she could be a werewolf for all you know, but even then some people would say you should wait at least 6 months to commit, or even as long as a year. Which is why I’m hesitant to say this was a mistake. You can only really tell if something was a mistake once you have the final outcome. What if this relationship is the happiest and healthiest relationship you’ll ever have, and all those friends who wait 3 months to commit never find this sort of love? What if you date for a year, realize that you’re moving in different directions in life? What if you have a 6 month relationship that ends amicably? Would that mean that your beginning was a mistake? What time frame, or what chain of events would make you think entering into a relationship was a mistake?

I don’t  think entering into a relationship is ever really a mistake, unless that person has shown a pattern of harming you, physically or mentally, or if you commit out of some form of obligation. Rushing into a relationship is generally a bad idea, but it’s not like it’s universally a mistake. I don’t think most relationships are a mistake, the mistake is usually in not leaving when you’re getting signs you should. I think that we all make mistakes in relationships, but trying to find love, even if that means making a leap of faith, usually isn’t a mistake.

My advice to you, or anyone who feels like they may have rushed into something is this: Work to build your relationship. A title doesn’t mean much on its own, you have to build a relationship that befits the title. Your girlfriend or your boyfriend should be your friend, so build if you’ve rushed into a relationship without building a friendship, where you really get to know and care for one another, start working to do that. You might be doing it out-of-order, but focus on getting to know your partner, in addition to building a healthy romantic partnership. Choosing to just try to coast on chemistry and attraction? That would be a mistake.

Good Luck Out There.

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