Asked her out, don’t know how to take her answer. What do you think?


DJsicko asks:

So a bit of outline; been texting constantly with a girl for 2 months and it was just friendly at first but recently she’s started drunk calling me and sent me a nude. So I thought it may grow into more and decided to ask her on a date, this is how it went:

I’m at uni at the moment but I’ve got a reading week next week so I’ll home all that time, thought this was the perfect time to ask. I said I’m gonna be home do you fancy going out for food or drinks next week? I already knew she’s on a strict diet and skint/no money so I was a bit skeptical. Straight away she said she was skint so can’t and then I offered to pay but she wasn’t having any of it. So I cut the bullshit and said I just wanna see you, I aint assed what we do. She said sarcastically “if I have to” but think she was being jokey. And that she’ll check her schedule.

She doesn’t get home till late on weeknights so they are out of the equation but she said she may be able to do something next weekend depending on this errand she might have to run which involves travelling to Liverpool for a night. It was like pulling teeth, should that be a sign? We agreed we’ll do something if we get chance and if not, another time, but I just expected her to be a bit more up for it ya know? We’re still chatting as normal afterwards.

What do you think? 

Demetrius says:

I just want to make a confession: I read this question in the best cockney accent my brain could muster. God bless you Brits and your use of slang like skint, because that is just a great word for “dead broke”. Moving on.

It sounds to me that, overall, the woman in question is interested, but not to the point where she’ll put in effort. If interest in someone was on a scale of 0-10, with 10 being an incredibly enthusiastic interest to the point of doing just about anything to see someone, and 0 being complete disinterest, she’d be at about a 4. Just enough to show interest, but not enough to give it an honest shot Yeah, she’ll reply to your texts and stay in contact, but putting in effort to meet? That’s a bridge too far. While getting a nude picture and being drunk dialed can be seen as a good sign (if that’s what you’re into), if there isn’t any real follow through beyond that, you have to take those things for what they are, isolated events.

It’s easy to put together a string of events to make it into a love-story type narrative, but sometimes you have to look at events in a less narrative driven way. Building a relationship, for the most part, requires building on experiences, and that ain’t happening here. A good first date turns into a good second date, with communication in-between, a 2nd date turns into a 3rd date, with more learned about each other in that time, and so on and so on. If you meet someone, have 2 instances where they indicate romantic interest, but the rest of your interactions are platonic or distant, you’re creating a narrative that just isn’t there.

Here’s what’s happened in this situation thus far: Platonic communication for two months. Drunk dialed. Sent a nude. Attempts to hangout passively rebuffed. Planning for an actual meet up delayed indefinitely. Resumption of platonic communication. Based on that chain of events, it’s not hard for me to see how you should take the answer you’ve been given. You have to judge whatever dating situation you’re in by the actions of the person you’re seeing as a whole, but also on an individual and most-current basis. It’s a good idea to look at relationships in a big picture way, but sometimes the last few things that happen in a relationship tell you more than what happened two months ago. If someone told you they love you a year ago, but refuses to speak to you over the last month, which of those is more relevant to your relationship today? Sure, she may have sent a naked picture about a week ago, but this week she’s being wishy-washy about actually meeting. The nude picture is cool and all, but what matters most is the reluctance to hang out now. Though I’m sure getting a naked picture provides some solace.

My advice is this, go in with low expectations. Proceed as you have been if you want to, but don’t expect this to go anywhere beyond where you currently are with her. If she finally decides to meet up and follow through, fine, but I wouldn’t push it further, or expect her to give you more effort than she already has. I’m a big fan of reciprocity in dating and if your enthusiasm for someone isn’t being met, tone that enthusiasm for them down. If you’re putting in effort to meet with someone and they aren’t, maybe direct that energy toward meeting someone who will be just as enthusiastic about meeting you as you are. Instead of trying to read deeper meaning into a sarcastic response, take it for what it was. If it feels like someone is going out of their way to make it difficult to see them, they just might be. Though, I could be wrong (it wouldn’t be the first time, I’m not infallible) and it’s entirely possible she just has a busy schedule. Which is why I’m emphasizing low expectations. If she reaches out and follows through on meeting, I’ll be pleasantly surprised if I’m wrong.Either way, lowered expectations aren’t going to hurt your chances.

Good Luck Out There.

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