I asked her out, but didn’t say it was a date. What do I do?

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LudensDude asks:

So I asked a girl in a class I’m taking out to grab a bite but I didn’t mention it was a date. She said yes and gave me her number. Is it still considered a date? I’m interested in dating her but kind of kicking myself for not being clear up front. I’m going just to go and have fun, but how do I let her know that I like her when we go out or does she already know?


Demetrius says:

Hmm, an interesting dilemma! Luckily, your biggest mistake is easily fixable.

I usually say that the best way to solve these sort of problems is to be direct, and that usually holds true, but maybe you want to be a little less direct in this situation. I want to be clear, the smart move would have been to be direct about wanting to take her on a romantic date when finalizing the date. Since you’ve already asked her out and gotten an answer, asking whether or not the date is romantic or not might be a bit uncomfortable for you and her. You can still ask directly and deal with the potential unconformability, but I’m guessing you’re looking for a subtle way to do this that allows you both to save a little face. Oh and let me just say, it’s entirely possible that she already gets what your intentions are. It’s possible your tone conveyed this, or your body language, or even the venue you selected for the date…but it’s also possible she missed all the signs.

I do want to clarify one thing. A date isn’t a date until someone makes it crystal freaking clear that “It’s a date” . If you’re wondering if asking someone you know out to grab a bite inherently makes your time together a date, it does not. Your intentions and their acknowledgement of your intentions determines whether or not something is a date. I’ve been on dates where I spent $30 total, and I’ve gotten a bite to eat with friends where the main courses cost around $30 each. Whether or not something is a date has absolutely nothing to do with the cost of the date, what you wear, or even the venue, it’s about being on the same page that it’s a romantic date, or at the very least has the potential to be a romantic date.

With that out of the way, here’s what you can do in this situation. Again, your first option can be to ask if it’s a date or not before you go on the date, but there are some risks there. It’s up to you to decide if those are risks you’re willing to take. If you go that route, be direct in saying that you’d like for it to be a date, but leave room for her to say it’s not a date, since she agreed to see you before this was established. “Is this a date?” is the approach, not “This is a date, right?”. One is asking, one is telling in the form of a question. If you decide against the preemptive direct approach, which is fine because I’d probably avoid it were I in your shoes, you can drop hints during the date that your intentions are romantic and try to get a read on whether or not she’s into you in that way. If you’re still unclear after the date, which can happen if her version of flirting and her version of being social are very similar or you’re just not perceptive, you’ll just have to resign yourself to asking directly toward the end, at the end of the date, or after you’ve parted ways. I’ve been in this situation quite a few times, and usually somewhere mid-hangout is when I figure out if something is or isn’t a date, but even I can read these sort of situations wrong. I was in a situation where I just assumed a hangout was platonic but totally would have wanted to be on a date with the person I was with. The only reason I didn’t miss my shot was because the woman in question took the initiative and made her intentions clear. Were it not for her confidence and chutzpah,  I would have missed out on one of my most memorable dates I’ve ever been on.

If nothing else, I would recommend that you ask whether or not you’re hanging out or if it’s a date toward the end of your hangout, at the end of your hangout, or at very least, after it’s over. It’s entirely possible you’re as oblivious as me, so don’t be afraid to take a chance on someone potentially amazing.

Good Luck Out There.

2 thoughts on “I asked her out, but didn’t say it was a date. What do I do?

  1. What about a girl asking a guy out but not mentioning it’s a date? Do guys normally consider a movie/coffee catch up a date? Thank you!

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    • Hmm, that’s a good question. I’d hate to generalize and say that all men would think that it would be a date, but I feel safe saying that for the most part, whenever a woman takes any initiative to hang out with a straight man, he’s more likely to assume it’s a date than not. Mostly because for most men, any sign of initiative by a woman is interpreted as romantic interest (because that’s how most men show romantic interest). That said, it’s not always the case.
      The best thing to do is to just be upfront about what the intentions are for a movie/coffee (or anything else) catch up date, if you want things to be crystal clear.

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