My guy’s ex wants him back and it’s making me insecure

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philboswaggins asks:

So I’m currently seeing a great guy. I’ll keep this short and just say that we’re not in a committed relationship yet, but neither of us is seeing anyone else and we really enjoy each other. The issue is his ex girlfriend. He broke up with her a year ago I believe, on good terms. She’s seeing someone new, as well, and they’re good friends which I think is great.

The annoying part however is how she keeps calling him and telling him she misses him a lot and wants him back. I trust him, since he chooses to be with me and not her, but it still kind of bothers me. My last relationship ended because my then boyfriend decided he wanted his ex girlfriend back, so. It’s silly, but I can’t help being insecure about it. He’s older than me, 6 years older, and she’s closer to his age, so I can’t help but to worry that he’ll go back to her for being more “mature” or whatever. They were together for 4 years or so, after all.

How do I get over these irrational fears? Being friends with your ex is great and I encourage it, but her calling him and crying makes me uncomfortable.

 

Demetrius says:

Would you like to know two songs that I love, with very similar themes? Woman to Woman by Shirley Brown and Jolene by Dolly Parton. Which, if you haven’t heard both, you should stop reading this immediately and listen to them now. I’m dead serious.  Okay, that out of the way, the reason I bring those two songs up is because of the similar themes, a fear or concern around losing a man to another woman, and the focus of said energy toward the woman in question, but not the man. You’re doing the same thing here. Which is fine it’s not like you’re out of line to be concerned, but the fact that you’re focused on her rather than him is part of the problem.

It’s okay to have a fear about these sort of things, especially if you’ve been in a similar situation that ended negatively, but why are you focused on her, rather than him? Here’s what this scenario would look like if he wasn’t part of the problem, with the hypothetical version of him acting in red text:

  • The annoying part however is how she keeps calling him and telling him she misses him a lot and wants him back. Luckily, he’s told her that he’s seeing someone now and she needs to stop calling as it’s inappropriate.

Imagine if that happened today. Instead of him saying that his ex keeps calling and telling him she wants him back and having him share that with you, imagine how much more secure you’d feel if he said all that and then followed it up by saying “Then I told her to cut it out, because I’m well and truly done dating her PLUS I think it’s rude of her to do that while I’m seeing you.”. Wouldn’t you feel so much more at ease? Sure she might persist, because thirsty is as thirsty does, but knowing that he very clearly told her that getting back together is not an option would surely make you much more secure in your burgeoning relationship.

The problem is partly her fault, but it’s also his fault for not handling this sooner. Why he hasn’t handled this in a way that would put you at ease and make clear to her without any shadow of a doubt that they’re no longer an option, who can be sure. He could still want to get back with her, he could feel that because you’re not officially in a relationship there’s nothing wrong with what she’s doing, or he could simply be clueless about how to deal with this. Either way, these aren’t irrational fears you’re having. Were I in your shoes I’d feel uncomfortable too. I’ve never had the exact same thing happen, but once, long ago, I was seeing someone who constantly got  calls and texts from a guy who she said she had no romantic interest in, but sure enough he’d call on a daily basis telling her he wanted to be with her. She always brushed it off, even when I told her that it was very uncomfortable for me, and I stopped seeing her for that reason, and a few other reasons. Sure enough, the next person she dated long-term was that dude. It’s not irrational to think that someone might end up with someone else if the person in question is constantly showing them attention and affection, and the other person isn’t exactly rebuffing those advances.

Oh and let me just say, I think the problem on your end is believing that being friends with your ex is “great”. That’s just way too broad of a thing to think, there’s nothing inherent good, bad, great, or terrible about remaining friends with your exs. Being friends with an ex can be great, but the situation between your guy and his ex is the opposite of great. Oh and future reference, “friends” generally means “platonic friendship”. If someone says “I want to be with you” and their “friend” keeps entertaining that sentiment, they’re no longer just friends.Being friends with an ex can be great in some rare cases, but I would suggest re-evaluating your views on what constitutes a great friendship between exs because, this aint it. I get your impulse to trust someone because they “chose” you over someone else, but it doesn’t actually sound like he’s chosen you, does it? I appreciate your blind faith in this guy, but it’s misplaced. I’m sure he’s a “great” guy in a lot of ways, but this situation doesn’t sound great, and it could be simply solved by him, so maybe he isn’t as great as you think?

That said, not much you can do here. The fact that your guy hasn’t put a stop to his ex’s attempts at getting back with him says a lot. You can’t control what people say to you, but you can choose to answer the phone. You could ask him to be direct and tell her he’s not interested in getting back together and to put an end to these calls she keeps making (and that he’s answering, which is a choice he continues to make). Your easiest attempt at a solution would be telling him that what’s going on is making you feel insecure and if he wants you to feel secure dating him, he needs to put a stop to these calls. I say attempt because your part is the easy part, and the solution really has to come from him. If he doesn’t try to make the change, you can at least know you did all you could.

You’re not being irrational, you’re looking for comfort in a situation that would make anyone uncomfortable. You’re not wrong here, your guy and his friend are creating the situation. Since you can’t control her, the best thing for you to do is talk to your guy and let him now what would make you feel more secure. If he really is great, and is really over his ex, it shouldn’t be a problem.

Good Luck Out There.

2 thoughts on “My guy’s ex wants him back and it’s making me insecure

  1. But…..they’re “not in a committed relationship”

    So…..yeah, be insecure, but try to secure what the hell the relationship is. Just ‘dating’ could, unfortunately, mean a hell of a lot of different things to a hell of a lot different people. He might be playing games or not taking this ‘dating’ thing as a committed relationship – which is fine in a vacuum, but it takes two people to be on the same page.

    I’m not sure these two are on the same page – so that conversation might be a lot more complicated.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Fair point, I didn’t even consider that he might not be on the same page as her, and that’s why the situation could potentially be perfectly okay to him! He might not see a problem at all because he’s “single” and to him that might mean everything that’s going on is appropriate.

      Liked by 2 people

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