Do you think I creeped this girl out?

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murlid asks:

I went on a first date with this girl, and honestly I felt that we had a good time together. we were still in touch later the date via text. And then maybe I panicked,and I expressed my feelings for her over text the next day. I think I spoke too soon, and that might have freaked her out, and now she doesn’t reply to my messages. I mean I knew her for more than a year, but we weren’t close. Did I screw up? Is there any way to “fix” this and get her to talk to me again?


Demetrius says:

You definitely freaked her out. Even without knowing the details of what you said, it’s pretty plain to see what went wrong.

Whatever your feelings are for this woman, they’re clearly intense. So intense that you had to get them off your chest in a panic. Nothing wrong with wanting to express yourself, but here’s the issue: The intensity of your feelings was disproportionate to your connection. If you’re wondering why you creeped her out, that’s the reason. Unearned or misplaced feelings for someone always comes off as creepy, sorry to say. From her perspective you’re nice and attractive enough guy she’s known (not that well) for a year, who she went on a first date with and she was maybe considering going on a second date with you. If I had to, I’d guess that you felt like she’s everything you’ve ever looked for. She feels like someone you’ve known all of your life, and you just felt like everything about her was perfect. So you told her that, or something like that, which definitely creeped her out because again, she probably just thinks you’re nice enough to go on a second date with. Meanwhile, you poured your feelings out to her when from her perspective, they came out of nowhere. Things were just too lopsided for her to not be creeped out.

Listen, I get the idea behind an immediate intense connection, like love at first sight, but for the most part it’s a very hindsight driven way to look at love. “When I saw her I knew immediately that she was the one” is a beautiful sentiment to hear at someone’s 30th anniversary dinner, but that sentiment is only beautiful if you actually end up together. I’ve had so many different “When I saw her I knew immediately that she was the one” moments where I thought I met the perfect person for me that, me being single, clearly disproves. Thankfully, I learned early on that you keep your romantic hunches about someone’s perfect-for-you potential to yourself until you’re actually in a position to confirm your assumptions. I cannot tell you how often I’ve met someone and felt like they were perfect me, who then proceeded to reject me. I wont get into the numbers but I’ll just say, it ain’t a low number. So yes, you creeped her out by coming on too strong, too soon. No, there isn’t a way to fix this, because the issue isn’t fixable. You can’t go back and change the fact that you came on too strong too soon, and there’s no way to convince someone you’ll suddenly develop some chill. Maybe it’s not a lost cause, it’s possible but not probable she’ll start replying to you, but you can’t “fix” this issue. Whenever you do something that seems intense, any attempts to fix it are going to only make you seem more intense. If you vehemently deny something, very often it comes off as more intense than the initial thing that freaked someone out. Sorry man, when you commit to something that cannot be undone, there’s no going back and fixing it, you can only hope you can move on.

Now that I’ve given you an answer, I’ve got a quick question for you, and people in general: What is the purpose of telling someone about your feelings for them? Not in this situation specifically, but in general. I know a lot of people say that you should tell someone how you feel about them, but is it enough to have a goal, rather than a purpose behind that goal? There isn’t a right answer here, it’s just something that I think we don’t think about enough. I think people tend to think that the goal of getting something off your chest somehow negates the need to have a purpose in what you do, and that’s where you and a lot of people make mistakes when they come on too strong in dating.

Let’s take your situation for example. What was your intended purpose in telling this girl about your feelings for her? Did you have a higher purpose in mind, or was it just an impulse to try to put into words feelings you just had to let out? What did you hope to accomplish? What did you want her ideal response to be? Did you consider the potential negative outcomes if she didn’t feel the same way?  My point in asking these questions is that you should be asking yourself these sort of questions before you confess your feelings for someone, especially when those feelings are disproportional to your connection. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone you feel strongly for them, but you have to make that a conscious decision that you’ve thought through, not just a whim. If you’ve thought it through and understand the risks, shoot your shot at your own risk.

I mean, you don’t have to think things through, I’m not your dad man you can do whatever the hell you want with your life. But, if you want to avoid putting yourself in a similar situation in the future, I’d recommend asking yourselves those sort of questions the next time “When I saw her I knew immediately that she was the one” pops into your head.

Good Luck Out There.

9 thoughts on “Do you think I creeped this girl out?

  1. She didn’t reply because she definitely isn’t feeling him like he is feeling her. He needs to take it slow. No one wants that type of off the cuff response from someone you haven’t made an initial investment. He should def weigh things out great advice as always!!

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  2. Yeah you most defo freaked her out I’m sorry to say.

    We live in an age where baby steps are often best. Maybe give her some space now.

    I had a guy who announced on the second date he was removing his OK Cupid profile. Not much pressure on me, hey? I let that one slide. He then sent flew back days early from an international trip because he missed me (we’d known each other less than a week). Its overwhelming!!

    Dem, I’d love to have you comment on my latest post : https://rinsebeforeuse.wordpress.com/2016/08/18/first-impressions-and-second-chances/

    Like

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