He texted me back after a month of no contact. Should I reply?

misspinkfloyd asks:

I started dating this guy who is new to the city about a few months back, we went on a few dates and really clicked and ended up having sex after the third date. The sex was amazing and we kept texting each other almost everyday despite our busy work week and talking about meeting again over the weekend (he lives about a couple of miles from me). It has been like that for nearly two months, basically we do something over the weekend; drinking, going to check out a few bars since he’s still fairly new to the city and sex after. The thing is, around mid May, I noticed our correspondence started waning and I feared so did his interest.

Because we didn’t say we were exclusive, I didn’t really obsess much about the fact he didn’t seem interested as much and neither did I chase him, because I didn’t want to seem like I’m always trying to organize something and thought that maybe he found someone else and moved on without telling me. I also decided to stop contacting him after the last date which was slightly more than a month ago. He also didn’t text me back for that period until yesterday with this:

"Hey, we haven't talked and it seems like we parted ways. Hope everything is good with you".

I am wondering if it is wise to reply? What do I say? What should be the best way for me to deal with him? I mean it would be interesting to see what he says. Or should I just ghost completely?

Demetrius says:

Here is a thing I would suggest people start doing, not only when it comes to dating, but life in general. Whenever you ask yourself “Should I do this?” the next thing you should ask yourself is “What do I want?”. When you cut out all of the other stuff going on here, when you really get down to it you dated a guy for few months, you both stopped putting in effort to meet and communicate, a month later he circled back with a half-hearted attempt to reconnect. Should you reply to him? It all depends on what you want. Do you want to try to reconcile and get back together? Yes, you should reply. Do you want to know the reason why he drifted and now he’s reaching out? Yes, you should reply. Want to use this as an opportunity to read him to filth? Yes, you should reply. If you want nothing to do with him ever again, no you shouldn’t reply.

The next thing to consider is if the thing that you want will make you happy. Let’s use a recent example from my own life. Long story short, I went on a few dates with a lady, there seemed to be interest, then she just stopped engaging. I figured out what I wanted, which was asking her why the sudden change. What I didn’t consider is whether or not the answer would make me happy. Turns out, knowing why a flake flaked does nothing but make me de-motivated in dating. Since then, whenever I’m ghosted I don’t even question why, primarily because I know that whatever the answer, it will bring me no comfort. That’s just me of course, feel free to seek closure if it makes you feel better. My point is, you really have to consider whether or not getting what you want is something you’ll actually enjoy.

Specific to your questions, let’s do a little thought experiment. You said “it would be interesting to see what he says” so let’s operate under the assumption that what you want is to know the reason why he flaked. Think of the best case scenario as to why you grew apart, now think of the worst case scenario. How would hearing the best case scenario make you feel? How would hearing the worst case scenario make you feel? Got that in mind? Good. Now, figure out if the risk of potentially hearing the worst case scenario is worth it on the off-chance you’ll get the best case scenario. Do you think it’ll be worth it? Do you think either answer would add some value to your life? That’s the answer as to whether or not to reply. If you still think it’s worth it to know, reply to him. If you don’t, don’t.

As for the rest of your questions. It’s neither wise nor unwise to reply, it’s a matter of preference. What should you say if you do reply? Well that depends on what you hope to gain. If you want closure, be direct. If you want to rekindle things, focus on moving forward rather than dwelling on where you both could have done better. If it’s just to be on good terms, keep it cordial but concise. Should you ghost completely? Probably, I mean he’s clearly not that into you so you could just never respond with a clear conscious. I wouldn’t reply, because in my experience the people who slowly drift away in dating do so for a reason. And for me, knowing that reason does nothing for me but bring me down.

Good Luck Out There.

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