Messed up the 4th date. Do I still have a shot?


Lost0ne23 asks:

I went on 3 smooth dates with a girl we held hands and kissed everything was going great, the 4th date I forgot to make a move on her idk how maybe it was my nervousness but yeah I didn’t do anything and she’s stopped texting me ever since. I’ve strikes up conversations and we’ve talked but she’s not as interested anymore. Asked her out once since and she was busy, I don’t want to move on just yet any tips? Not even sure how to ask her out again without seeming like desperate

Demetrius says:

Part of me just wants to answer your question and move on, and the other more avuncular part of me wants to sit you down for a nice fireside chat and tell you the ways of the world.

Here’s your timeline of events:

  1. You had three dates where you kissed and held hands.
  2. On your 4th date there were no attempts to progress your physical displays of affection.
  3. Post date she’s disengaged and disinterested.

While I get the desire to want to give it another shot, and I also get your hesitance to move on, you have to ask yourself if how you’re viewing those 4 dates might be the problem. Let’s focus on the 4th date for now. You admit that during the 4th date you sort of forgot to make a move on her because you were nervous, and since then she’s been creating distance between you two. While it’s smart to realize that not continuing to push your momentum on a 4th date is a bad idea, you’re forgetting one pretty significant thing. She didn’t try to kiss you. Did she make an effort to hold your hand, or kiss you, or show any amount of affection? On your 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th date ,were you the initiator of every kiss? I’m going to guess yes, because I’m the sort of agony uncle who recognizes this situation for what it is.

Long story short, I’ve had a similar situation play out almost exactly the same way, minus the desire to not want to move on. I went on 4 perfectly fine dates with a woman and by the 3rd date, we’d kissed and stuff. It was perfectly okay! 4th date, no kiss, just a hug goodbye. When I got home and realized, wait, did we not kiss, I knew that was the end of things. Sure enough, I never heard from her again. Sometimes dating just plays out that way and it has less to do with you forgetting to initiate a kiss and more to do with the other person also not initiating a kiss. If she wanted to initiate a kiss with you, after 3 dates of kissing, she would have. It’s likely that she went on those 3 dates, was on the fence about you, and the 4th date helped her decide she wasn’t all that interested. Kissing her, or holding her hand, probably wouldn’t have changed the fact that she didn’t try to kiss you on your 4th date, which most certainly meant she wasn’t interested in kissing you.

Now, you can accept that and realize that if you went on 4 dates with someone, guy or girl, and they didn’t try to kiss you at the end of the 4th date they’re probably not that interested. Or, you can give it another shot I guess. I mean, I think you’ve completely lost your shot because I’ve seen this situation play out countless times, but there’s always a 1% chance I’m wrong. If you like those odds and doubt your friendly agony uncle, I will tell you how to take another shot.

Since you don’t want to move on (you should by the way, don’t dwell on people who aren’t showing  interest in you), and you refuse to recognize this very clear rejection, here’s how to ask her out. First, you have one shot left. ONE. SHOT. You ask her on a date and whatever her answer is, unless it’s a Yes, you need to move on. “I’m really busy I’ll get back to you” is a No. Ignoring your text is a No. “Maybe” is a No. Anything that isn’t a concrete Yes, is a No. Send a text, ask her on another date, and that’s it. Don’t apologize for not going in for the kiss on the fourth date, just send a text proposing a date with a fully formed date idea, including day,time, and location, and ask whether or not she’s free. If she’s busy but still interested you’ll get a response that leaves an opening for a reschedule (I can’t do Friday, but next Thursday works), count that as a Yes. If she’s not interested and she does respond, she’ll say she’s busy and leave it open-ended. That’s still a No. Whether you want to appear desperate or not is inconsequential, because if she isn’t interested you’ll come off as desperate. You will almost certainly seem desperate when you’re pursuing someone who is leaving huge hints that they aren’t interested. You don’t get to pretend you don’t recognize the signs that you’re being rejected, ask her out again AND ALSO not be desperate. You can’t have your dignity cake and eat it too.

If it gives you any solace, you not kissing her wasn’t what made her lose interest. I’m almost certain that she took those 4 dates to figure out what her long-term interest in you might be, realized you weren’t a good fit for her, and decided to move on.

Good Luck Out There.

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