Are some guys just bad at texting?

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Felis_Catus asks:

I’ve been on a few dates with this guy – we click really well, he invited me out to meet his best friend and his friend’s fiance. (He’s the best man) I’m getting all the green lights…except he sucks at texting. He told me way early on that he’s a bad texter and the first time we went out he showed me that he had like 30 something unanswered texts. Is this a bullshit move or are some guys actually just not texters?

My initial thought is, if he’s thinking about me, he’ll text. But sometimes it’ll be days on days of radio silence. And of course I’m too stubborn to text first. But when I do, he’ll text me back reasonably quickly.


Demetrius says:

To answer your main question: Yes, some people are just bad at texting. Part of it can be attributed to differing texting styles, part of it can be attributed to not being an active texter, and part of it is just not initiating conversations. If I had to say why I most frequently hear that someone, guy or girl, is bad at texting, it’s usually one of those reasons.

Getting the obvious thing out of the way, it sounds like he’s a bad texter, but still very much interested in you. Generally speaking, not always true,but generally speaking if the person you’re dating introduces you to their friends, specifically friends who are significant to them, that’s a good sign. For the most part, the scale of importance of introduction goes like this: Parents, Siblings, Extended Family, Closest Friends, Close Friends, Friends, acquaintances, Co-Workers, Local Convenience Store Clerk, and Crossfit Bros in that order of importance, give or take. The fact that you met his closest friend, that friend’s fiance, and the fact that he’s going to be in the wedding of these people tells me that he is either very much into you. Worst case scenario he’s one of those guys who introduces any girl he meets to his friends which is like, maybe a .000000000001% likely outcome. Straight guys, even the most well-adjusted among us, tend to be a little more reserved when it comes to doing things that might imply a certain level of commitment. Yes, the fuck-boys you may have heard do things that imply commitment, but that’s usually on a one-to-one level, and their actions rarely ever include a third-party. They might text you all day every day but they’ll never meet your friends, or vice-versa. If you were wondering why someone is a bad texter and your only positive sign that they are into you is all the time you spend together, alone in bed, or just sexting, that’d be cause for concern. Meeting friends on the other hand, is a very good sign.

I can count on my hand the total number of women who’ve met at least one friend of mine on purpose and I can promise you, that number is significantly lower than the total number of women I’ve dated. Odds are good that if you don’t jump directly from long-term relationship to other long-term relationship, that holds true for you as well. Meeting friends is never a guarantee that things will work out, but it’s a good sign. It’s just sign, not a guarantee, but still a very good sign.

That said, he probably just really sucks at texting and thankfully he’s warned you about it. If we take him at his word, which I would, you’ve got two major options. First, you can become a more proactive texter. I know, I know, sometimes a gal just wants to feel like she’s being thought of, so that might be a bit of tough thing for you to do. Don’t worry, you’ve got one other major option. I believe you’re still both fairly new at dating, so maybe this is a thing to pull off once you get a bit more serious, or not, but you can always just tell the person you’re dating exactly how and when to text you. “I would really like if you texted me when you think of me”  works great, or something along the lines of “I would love to get a good morning text from you, it would really brighten my day”. I know it doesn’t sound like the most romantic thing to say, but speaking as a straight guy who generally approaches dating the way most straight guys do, I honestly prefer being told exactly what my partner wants. Want me to text you in the morning because it will brighten your day? Cool, let me know and I’ll do it. Want me to text only when I think of you, or when I see something that reminds me of you, or even to text you all-day every-day? Say that, and we’ll discuss details. Men and women tend to have very different communication styles, especially when it comes to communicating wants in a relationship. Men tend to express themselves in a very direct, logical way (even if that logic is flawed) where as women tend to be more feeling/emotion based way. Of course that doesn’t hold true in all cases, but it’s true enough in most cases that I think that telling a male partner your wants in a way that is logical, with specific directions you’ll get a better result than if you said something along the lines of “I want this, but only if you feel motivated by a feeling”. Again, I know it’s not romantic, but I’ve learned through experience that it works in most cases.

Once, many moons ago, I was in a relationship with someone who really valued feeling appreciated in a relationship. Part of that feeling was tied to communication, and what was being communicated via text. A lot of our early issues were tied to the fact that, SURPRISE, I can sometimes be bad at texting in a relationship. To fix this, I asked my girlfriend at the time, point-blank, what way I could text to convey the feelings I already felt, appreciation and love, but maybe didn’t know when or how to express them via text. She told me what they were (Good Morning texts, updates on anything eventful, telling her “I love you” even if we were arguing) and after that we had almost no issues with texting. I say all this to say, maybe just laying out what you want is the best way to do things. If he’s open enough to acknowledge that he’s bad at texting, he’s probably open to suggestions on how to improve.

So you’ve got two major options, but I’m sure there are more. Either take the lead on text, or tell him exactly what you’re looking for through text.

Good Luck Out There.

4 thoughts on “Are some guys just bad at texting?

  1. 1. He really may be a bad texter. Go with it, and use the phone. See if he’s as bad as talking as he is at texting.
    2. Don’t text the mundane. Forget the good mornings and hi honey how was your day. Text only when it’s meaningful, or to set up a date and time. Be a bit
    difficult on text yourself.
    3. Tell him to fuck off.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. My thing is, if two people like each other and want to keep something going (and it’s still new) – leave the texting for solidifying a plan and that’s it. You hang out, text to make a plan to hang again, and in between you don’t have to chat every damn day. Save it for the in-person hangout. Also? I thought that was me in the stock photo, LOLZ.

    Liked by 1 person

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