If they like you, will they wait if you’re not ready yet?



nufing asks:

Have recently come out of a long-term relationship..dead bedroom for a while. Was pretty heartbroken but it was in the works for a while. Anyway fast-forward, I’ve balled my eyes…etc moved on, had dates and hooked up with other guys..so happy. Basically met dream-guy on tinder, chatted for a couple of days straight, finally met up late one night, talked for a couple of hours (as we had work the next day)..So much chemistry and connection. End of the night he went in and kissed me..and it was AMAZING. We’d like to see each other again.
Thing is, I’m feeling this has happened too easily. He’s asking if he can see us dating, he wants to get to know me more, has asked about the future..etc..I do want to eventually date him. But also not ready to stick it with one guy just yet..do you tell a guy that you’re dating others? Is that how dating works? There’s no emotional connection with the others, just in it for the physical fun..but this guy is amazing. I really don’t know what to say to him.
Thank you

Demetrius says:

It seems like you’re in a bit of a bind here, so I want to

First things first, I’m sorry to hear about your previous relationship. It sounds like the dead bedroom was the least of your worries, or I might be wrong. Dead bedroom in and of itself is frustrating for sure, but I doubt it’s the only reason you were heartbroken. No clue what it might be, but I’m thinking it’s bigger than just not getting laid. So let’s talk about that. Or rather, let me tell you about it. Try to remember that what you’re going through is perfectly normal after a breakup, regardless of the reason. A reluctance to jump into something new, wanting to go out and meet new guys and have a little physical fun, those things are all pretty standard post break up activities. Your reluctance to rush into something new with someone, even if they are amazing, is perfectly normal too.

So, you met an amazing guy, someone who just feels like a great match for you beyond the physical stuff. Congrats! Small problem though, because you are almost certainly not ready to date just him. If I told you this happens more often than you think, would you be surprised. I’m gonna jump ahead a bit and tell you exactly what your next steps have to be. You either settle and monogamously date him until you are actually ready for a relationship, which for brevity’s sake lets call it Leasing. You can also be *mostly* honest and tell him that you think he’s amazing, but you just got out of this relationship so you’re not ready to date yet but could see yourself dating him when you are ready, which we’ll call the Callback. One other option, you just stall by neither expressing your previous breakup’s impact on you nor do you tell him you’re not looking for anything serious. Date as you currently are and keep your cards close to your chest, which we’ll call the Stall.

So, three options: Leasing, Callback, Stall. Let’s get the pros and cons of each out of the way. Leasing is something I bet a lot of people do, if only because they weigh the option of either losing this amazing person or feeling like they’ve rushed things and decide that it’s better to feel rushed than to lose someone entirely. The pros are simple, in that you keep the person. The cons are feeling rushed. The Callback is great because it’s the most honest, and you end up not doing anything, like committing, that you aren’t ready to do just yet. Pro: Not committing when you aren’t ready. Con: It’s a risky move because the person in question could just decide to move on. The Stall is, well, it’s an option, though I’d never recommend it. The pros of stalling are simple, you’re not committing which you aren’t ready for AND you decrease the odds of this person moving on because tend to wait around for definitive answers. The cons are all related to your opinions on dishonesty and lying by omission. Personally, I’d recommend the Callback, but that’s because I like to take calculated risks.

If you do decide to do the callback, here’s what you do next. First, tell him that you do see yourself dating him in the future, because he’s an amazing guy. Follow that up with telling him that after your break up, you’re a bit wary about rushing into things because you’re worried you might get too attached too quickly. No need for details here, by the by. Finally, close by saying that you’d like to continue dating him and see where things lead. Your level of honesty about the other dudes you may or may not be hooking up with is entirely up to you. If you chose to leave that part out, that’d be okay. If you want to include it in the spirit of honesty and cooperation, that’s cool too I guess. Fair warning: doing so is very likely to make your guy assume that your reluctance has less to do with you, and more to do with all the dong you’d be giving up if you started dating him monogamously. Maybe that is actually the driver behind your desire for independence, or maybe it isn’t, but it’s very likely that’s the conclusion Mr. Amazing is going to come to. Proceed with caution.

To answer the main question, whether or not this guy, or anyone, will stick around and wait for someone to be ready to date, honestly, the answer is maybe. Sometimes they stick around, sometimes they move on, and what you do or do not do may have some impact, but you never know for sure. Whatever you decide, there is always the risk that you’ll lose him, even if you decide to jump into a relationship. No right answers here, but I hope that whatever you decide works out for you.

Good Luck Out There.

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