He texted her throughout our date, now he’s distant. Is it over?


ThrowawayTested asks:

So last night, I cooked steak for the guy I’m dating, we went out for a drink and he stayed the night at my place. Sounds great, right? Think again.

He texted her throughout dinner, the movie we watched, at the bar, before we had sex, right after we had sex, and as soon as he woke up. What really irked me, is that this girl is supposedly talking to another mutual friend, who happened to be the bartender at the bar we went to and she wasn’t texting him at all, only texting my guy. Now, he’s distanced himself, doesn’t respond or barely responds to normal conversation.

Is it time for me to just walk away, or is this normal?

Well, this is very much a normal thing that happens when you’re obsessed with and would much rather be dating someone else. I guess it is normal, but also a terrible way to treat the person you’re currently dating. Normal isn’t inherently good or anything, just the norm. Look, the writing is on the wall and the fact that you didn’t call him out for all of his texting, then slept with him, says a lot about your kindness and also your obliviousness. You’re way too kind, and he’s clearly more interested in this girl, so you should walk away.

A very brief, very real parallel has happened to me before. In my younger days I briefly dated a girl who worked at a boutique gym somewhere in Manhattan. The sort of place that only has one location, is populated with incredibly attractive clientele and trainers, and a monthly fee that would make the average bad chick up in Equinox blush. She was very passionate about her job, and had a very close relationship with her coworkers, especially this one super good-looking, super ripped trainer. I dated her for about a month, but heard about her coworker almost every day of that month. Ah to be that young and naive again! Besides the constant texting, at a time when people were paying for texts on a text-by-text basis, one time, post sex, she immediately started texting this guy. Not just like “hey, sorry I missed your texts” but a full on conversation, back and forth, immediately after sex. I’m full on naked while my paramour is laying in bed, beaming while staring at her phone, texting this guy with a six pack crafted on Mount Olympus by Hephaestus. She texts the guys for a solid 15 minutes, then stops, sighs, then talks to me about him for a solid 15 minutes, then, texts him some more, and I shit you not, suggests that I leave because she “has a lot on her mind and that she’s worried about her friend so she needs to call him”. Apparently he tore an abdominal muscle (not kidding) and refused to not take a break from working out (again, not kidding) and so she thought that calling him would be a great way to dissuade him from working out. Plot twist: They ended up dating after that and remained in a relationship for several years. Shocking, I know.

The people a person prioritizes are the ones that are important to them. There are a very small number of people I would need to text in non-emergency situations while I’m on a date, and those people are family. Even then, I’d apologize and say that I need to respond to a text and make it brief. The fact that your guy was responding to these text so frequently, and in such inappropriate situations, is him showing you who he is prioritizes, and it ain’t you. He’d much rather text this girl than engage with you during dinner, during or after watching a movie, while you’re at a bar, before you have sex, after you have sex, and when he wakes up. She’s priority one, you’re not. Whether or not that means he’s attracted to her is debatable (but very likely) but at the very least we know that he’d much rather talk to her than you, even if you cook a steak for him.

Since it’s early on in your dating life-cycle, I’d suggest walking away. If this was a committed relationship, and this was a new behavior that just developed, I’d suggest addressing it before making any drastic decisions. There’s nothing wrong with telling a partner that they should chill-out with the texting when they’re with you unless it’s important. What he’s doing is ignoring you while you’re together and prioritizing conversations with someone else. If you were in any other social setting, people would say what he’s doing is weird. The fact that it occurs over text doesn’t diminish the shitty behavior. I think you should move on not just because it’s rude, but also because it shows that he’s clearly a lot more interested in her than he is interested in you. If this was a romantic comedy, he would realize he’s in love with her, she’d realize the same, they’d both simultaneously dump you and your mutual friend, and at their wedding at the end of the movie you and your mutual friend would lock eyes and hint at a budding romance. Fin. 

In all seriousness, you deserve so much more than to be a secondary communication option, especially if you cook a man a steak. Walk away now and save those steak dinners for a man who appreciates you.

Good Luck Out There.

One thought on “He texted her throughout our date, now he’s distant. Is it over?

  1. Lord, yes leave this man alone. He is still in love with the other girl. I used to do this to people in my 20s I married the one I literally compared others to so count your loses. Nothing the wonderful guys I had been with could stop me from being emotionally entangled with my now husband.

    Liked by 1 person

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