She’s got a boyfriend. We can’t hang out as friends?


Macchonk asks:

While I know this girl has a boyfriend, I just want to hang out with her because she is cool. I don’t deny that I find her attractive, but I have no plan to mess around with her at this point. We hung out once, but since then she has avoided hanging out with me. Feeling frustrated, I decided to put her on the spot to get a closure. She then said that she thinks I’m cool, but she is in a relationship and we can’t hang out as friends. What exactly does she mean when she said “we can’t hang out as friends”?

Demetrius says:

She means exactly what she said, but I’m guessing that the answer you want to hear is that she made the distinction “as friends” because she’s concerned that maybe the feelings are mutual and things would be different if it weren’t for her meddling boyfriend.

Nah. That’s not it, sorry.

She means what she says, but what she also meant is that she can tell you’re into her, so you can’t hang out as friends, or ever. That’s probably because, you don’t actually want to be her friend, at least that isn’t your primary motivation. In a perfect world, it’d be dating first, friendship second, right? There isn’t anything wrong with that per se, she’s just smart enough to know that it’s probably for the best to avoid hanging out with people who want to date her if she’s already in a relationship. I think she’s making a great read of the situation to be honest. You seem to be holding a torch for this girl, and she can tell, so she’s doing you a very big favor and avoiding you. Trust me on this, it’s for the best.

Here’s the thing, I think that men and women can be friends, or any combination between people who could both be mutually attracted to each other for that matter, and I even think that you can be friends with someone even if one of you is attracted to the other. But, and this is important, the feasibility of a one-sided-attraction-friendship needs to be looked at on a case by case basis. I’ve been attracted to more women than I can count on my fingers and toes and I could probably be friends with say, 10% of those women. Not that this is the case for everyone, I’m talking about me specifically. I think that with some types of attraction you can revert back to being platonically interested in someone, and sometimes you just can’t. It might be the intensity of your feelings, the type of attraction, or just plain ol’ jealousy, but I think that while you can be friends with someone you’re attracted to, or vice versa, you can’t ALWAYS be friends with someone you’re attracted to. In your case, I get the feeling that this girl is someone who you probably wouldn’t be able to separate your attraction from your platonic interest.

I’m not saying that the wording of your question makes the answer definitive, but it is curious on a lot of levels. You mention her boyfriend first, her coolness second, and the fact that you don’t plan to mess around with her “at this point”. Saying “at this point” would seem to imply there might be a better point for you to try to get her to cheat on her boyfriend. Putting that aside, you just seem like a very aggressive person. If I hung out with someone once as a friend and they didn’t seem to want to hang out after that, I wouldn’t feel the need to get closure by confronting them. That’s not something someone does when they just want to be friends, it’s what an aggressive guy would do after getting rejected after a  first date. All signs are pointing to you being more romantically interested than anything else, her picking up on that, and acting accordingly.

My advice is this: leave her be. If you really want to make new friends, do so with someone who you aren’t so damn romantically interested in. If you really want to find someone to date, don’t waste time trying to befriend someone who you’d rather be dating.

Good Luck Out There.


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