How do I go about talking to a girl that rejected me?

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BalancedEars asks:

I tried asking this girl out like maybe 4-5 months ago and she nicely rejected me. Ever since then I haven’t talked to her or tried to talk to her but I always see her in the common room with her mates. I would really like to talk to her but since she rejected me is that a no-no? I don’t mean to sound a bit cocky, but I feel as if she’s interested a little. How do I know if I should make another move?


Demetrius says:

Do you remember, it was probably in grade school, when you were taught how to do basic information gathering using the Five  W’s? I do! So obviously were going to look at your dilemma using them.

The who of the situation is simple. You, a plucky advice seeker, and her, a girl who rejected you almost half a year ago. Is she more than that to you? Probably not, considering you haven’t spoken to her for a better part of a year BUT you constantly have an opportunity to speak if either of you felt the urge. What’s the situation really, when you break it down to its core, other than a guy wanting to rekindle things with someone who rejected him. Where? Common room I guess, but honestly the where is pretty unimportant in your situation. When, I guess that’s part of the larger question of when should you ask her out, if at all which I’ll get to later. Now, here’s where things get fun: Why?

Do you know why you might think that she’s still a bit interested in you? It’s not because you’re cocky, it’s because it’s what you want. You aren’t picking up on signs so much as you are seeing positive signs that aren’t there. Let me ask you a question: Suppose that you’re a girl who politely rejected a guy, decided that you were wrong about him and that actually you do like him, and wanted to convey that message to him. What would you do? Would you tell him, or at the very least strike up a conversation with him when you clearly have had several opportunities to do so, or would you completely ignore him? Why would you, as the person who did the rejecting, not take the initiative and ask this person out if your feelings had changed. Why would you avoid speaking to a guy you rejected who you now want, and probably could have if you just asked him out? The simple answer, she is not into you. That’s Why.

I know why you’d think she’s into you, because it’s what you want, but I want to ask you something else: If you’ve been rejected, do you think it’s wise to hold a torch for that person? I’m not saying that holding a torch for someone is inherently bad or good, I’m asking if you think it’s a good idea in your specific situation. The human brain is funny in that the things you want when you want them seem urgent, but the brain can forget wants pretty quickly if you get a reasonable substitute. Do you remember when you were 6 months old what you wanted on a day-to-day basis? Do you remember what toy you wanted for your 9th birthday? Do you remember what you wanted for lunch on the third Wednesday of the month, 3 months ago? Probably not, right? Because whatever those wants were was replaced by something else, whether it was a substitute, or a loss of interest. You wanted to date this girl so you asked her out, and were rejected. That sucks, but dwelling on this girl is holding you back! Don’t sit here wondering if she’s still interested, or if you should try to talk to her again, or when the right opportunity will present itself. She isn’t interested, you shouldn’t try to pursue her romantically ever again, and there will never be a right time to make another move because you’ll get the same answer. If you don’t believe me, try to prove me wrong. I wont say I told you so, I promise.

If she was interested in you, there would be clear signs, like continued conversations after rejecting you at minimum. Don’t confuse eye-contact or general amiability for romantic interest. With the absence of ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS OVER FIVE MONTHS I feel confident saying that she is not, nor will she ever, be interested in dating you. That ship didn’t sail away, it was never there to begin with. It might sound romantic to you, but pining over someone who is clearly not interested is just a waste of time. If there was even the slightest hint that she might still be interested, I’d say go for it. The fact that you haven’t had one conversation in 150 days tells me that my hunch is pretty solid.

If I wasn’t clear: You’ve got no shot. Move on.

Good Luck Out There.

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