She’s being distant. Do I need to confirm this date?


Colossus_of_Clout asks:

I’ve been seeing this woman for about a month, we’ve hung out 5 times at this point, slept together, and have been enjoying each other’s company. We made plans on Monday to do dinner/drinks at my place this coming Friday. In the past week, however, she seems to be pulling back, taking a long time to respond, shorter answers and what-not. We didn’t set a time, only the day. Due to her being notably more distant communication-wise, I haven’t been texting her, because I’d started the last handful of text conversations and she has been taking her sweet time to respond to my messages.

So we do need to set a time for our meet up, that much is sure. But should I be the one to reach out here? I asked for the date, I have been the one initiating communication, and she has been distant. Should I see if she reaches out or give her a call to set an exact time? I mean, why agree if you’re not interested?

Demetrius says:

It seems to me that you’re reading the situation right. If you feel like she’s creating distance, odds are good that she’s purposefully creating distance. Why she’s creating that distance is a mystery for sure, but reaching out is a pretty simple problem to solve.

Should you be the one to reach out is a good question, but a better question is do you want to? Let’s say she’s being distant because she’s having mixed feelings about how things are going, would you still want to go on a date with her? Or, let’s say she’s being distant because of reasons unrelated to you, like troubles with her personal or professional life, would you still want to go on a date with her? Your answer to either of those questions is your answer to the question of whether or not you should be the one to reach out. Not your answer to both, either. Seriously, if you say yes to either one, reach out. If you say no to either one, don’t reach out. Either action would be valid. It’s possible that the distance you’re sensing is real, and you’re sensing it because she’s about to end things. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth going on another date with her, or trying to confirm this upcoming date, if you think she is likely to end things soon after. On the other hand, the distance could be unrelated to your connection, so you’d risk missing out on developing a deeper connection by not reaching out. Maybe the distance is there because she felt like you are bad at planning and didn’t take the initiative on setting a time for your date. Who can know for sure? I do know that were I in your place, I’d reach out. Not because I hope that by reaching out I can bridge the distance, mostly because I dislike uncertainty. Then again, I’m also aggressive so my reaching out would be something along the lines of “Hey, let’s figure out a time” but also “Hey, you’re being distant so let me know if you still want to hang”. If that sounds too aggressive for you, that’s fine, it’s just how I roll. Fun fact: Every. Single. Time. I’ve called out someone for being purposefully distant I’ve been proven right, so there’s that. Usually they admit to it and end things or they deny it, which leads to a later conversation along the lines of “you were right about the distance, but I wanted to believe I could work through this” which…is dumb. People need to trust their instincts.

Anyway, let’s say you’re pretty much done until she shows interest and you’re wondering how long you should wait until she calls or texts to set a date. I’d say wait until the day of your date to send a text saying “Hey, hadn’t heard from you about tonight, are we still on?”. Her response will more than likely indicate where you can expect things to go moving forward. If she confirms your plans, cool, if she cancels, she’s probably completely lost interest and you could stop initiating conversations safe in the assumption that she’ll just fade herself out of your dating life. If she confirms the date and she’s still pretty distant, it might be time to hop back onto Tumblecupid and keep your options open.

As for why she’d agree to a date because she’s not interested…does it matter? Fine, why is important to you, so here’s why she’s become distant but still agreed to another date. When she agreed to the date, she was still interested but after some soul-searching and thinking about your connection, she’s decided that you aren’t a good fit. Wait, actually, on second thought, she’s also seeing someone else and she’s come to the point where she has to choose and, sorry Jacob, you lost out. Oh crap, I’m wrong, actually it’s just that she’s not that into but didn’t realize it until after she agreed to another date. I mean, I’m just guessing, and you could do it to, and all of your reasons could be as valid or invalid as the reasons I stated because as I’ve stated before, the why doesn’t matter, the end result does. The distance doesn’t matter so much as what the distance means, which is that your days with her are numbered.

Text her if you really want to see her again, but it seems like you can tell this situation has a short shelf life. If that’s the case, text on the day of the date to confirm your suspicions, or just don’t text at all and let her remove herself from your dating life through inaction.

Good Luck Out There.

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