Reconnected with my ex, now he’s unresponsive. What’s going on?

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Anonymous asks:

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up 6 months ago amicably, mainly because of long distance. We have stayed in contact since then. Recently I visited where he lives, where I’m also moving back to. We spent time together and slept together and he texted me the next day when I was leaving and said “yesterday was amazing. You make me so happy” and now I haven’t heard from him in 4 days which is a little out of character.

What is going on?

Demetrius says:

A few possible reasons things have played out the way they did, in order of their likelihood: First, he was being honest when he said those things to you but what he said doesn’t extend beyond that, meaning that he had a good time, but doesn’t necessarily want to rush back into a relationship. Second, he’s waiting for you to establish what the deal is between you both, Third, he’s just really busy.

Let’s work in reverse. It’s entirely possible he’s just busy, but what he’s busy with may or may not be other people. Sometimes it takes me a week or two to get back to people (sorry Mom/Sister/People who want to collaborate, I’m the worst). Alternatively, he could be a different kind of busy. Six months after an amicable break up you know what I’d be doing? Dating other people. I’m talking about dating in the loose sense, not dating a specific person. You had a great time, you’re moving back to his city at some point soon, and that’s cool and all, but maybe he’s casually dating and he’s juggling a few people/dating priorities. If he’s like most people who are dating in 2016 he’s probably got a bunch of conversations on apps going on, conversations that maybe could lead to a date going on, or he’s met one or two lucky ladies and he’s currently dating them. Or he could just be busy with work or a side project and hasn’t gotten back to you in the last 4 days because he’s preoccupied. Or he missed your last text entirely because if he’s anything like me, he put his Ex’s conversations on mute on his iPhone.

A little more likely to be true is the fact that although you reconnected and things went well, he might be waiting on you to establish where things will head. The part we’re both focusing on is what just happened (the time spent together) but let’s not forget that you both decided it was better to be breakup. You mentioned that you broke up “mainly” because of the distance between you too, and while that is a good reason to breakup, there had to be more to your break than just the distance. I might be wrong, but I’m guessing that the other things that may have driven you apart haven’t been forgotten either. For some people it’s not so easy to just turn the switch back from platonic to partner and vice versa. Maybe he wants you to be clear about what your time together meant, besides just being a good time.

Even more likely though is the fact that he was honest about having a good time but doesn’t expect anything beyond that. Maybe he’s one of those inflexible people who decides that when he’s done being a relationship with someone, he is well and truly done. Conversely, maybe he just doesn’t want to get back together with you and has moved on. On the other hand, maybe he still has feelings for you but is reluctant to to rush back into anything. Alternatively, maybe he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you again but genuinely had a good time. It’s entirely possible that maybe his lack of responsiveness is him trying to create some distance after you two played house over your recent visit so that he can sort of manage your expectations. I could go on, but I’ve run out of synonyms for “Or”, so let me just end by saying that I’ve seen this situation play out countless times (with myself on both sides of this situation) that any of those reasons is entirely possible and valid. Instead of going through what if’s trying to exhaust my thesaurus, let’s get to what you can do.

You’ve got two major options. Inaction or Direct Action. Inaction is simple because, you know, you just sit on your hands and wait for him to get back to you. If you’re thinking you want to do a bit more direct, you can approach it in two very general ways. First, direct action that is passive, like sending a “hey, how was your week” text or something like that which would or should  illicit a response. If you want to be a bit more aggressive, you can always reach out and say something that conveys that you had a good time, and would like to reconnect on a deeper level than just hooking up that one time and ask his thoughts. Obviously there are a ton of ways you can spin it but basically if you’re going to be direct, go passive, or go aggressive, but DO NOT go passive aggressive. Don’t text him asking why he hasn’t gotten back to you in 4 days, because you’re his ex and although you slept together, it doesn’t necessarily mean he HAS to respond to your last text..

Either put the ball in his court by asking him something that requires a response, or take control of the situation by being aggressive and asking for what is essentially a redo of your Relationship Defining Talk. Or just wait for him to respond.

Good Luck Out There.

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