How often should you see someone you’re just starting to date?


Anonymous asks:

How often do you think it’s appropriate to see someone if you’re starting to casually date? Once a week?

Demetrius says:

Glad you asked, anonymous person who shall not be named!

As with many aspects of dating life, there isn’t one right or wrong answer. Okay, maybe there are some wrong answers because they might be huge red flags, but there isn’t one right answer. Let’s tackle the flip-side of this question, which is how often should you not see someone, and that would be every day, or every free day. Many people misinterpret intense affection and attraction over a short amount of time as compatibility. The easiest way to fake compatibility is to come on strong, quickly. The more time you spend with someone, the more it connects you both, and by spending multiple days in a row together you’ll end up building a sort of false compatibility. You ever meet someone who only has a limited time to spend with you, maybe one of you is doing a semester abroad or visiting a city for a while for a short time, and find that your connection is intense, but once you’re apart you don’t feel the same connection? That’s what I’m talking about. You know how some people have a date quota to meet before having sex, like say it’s 5 dates? What would be the best way to shorten that time from 5 weeks to say, 1 week? Go on 5 dates in a row, obviously. Not that this is always the case but, fun fact, I went on a date with a girl once who said “I will not sleep with you on the first date” who then asked me to spend the night, and the next morning said “this is our second date” and had sex with me so…it goes both ways I guess? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Now, as to how often you should see someone you’ve just started dating, once a week is a pretty good figure. Most Americans work a 9ish to 5ish, so they’ve got ample time to hang on weeknights depending on their commute, but are usually available on the weekend. Once a week is a good amount, especially after a good first or second date. You could also do an alternating amount of dates, especially if you’re someone who is busy a lot, or doesn’t have a set schedule. If you work odd hours, your schedule changes every week, or just have a ton of side projects going on (like me!), it might be better if you see them twice in one week if you can’t see them the next week. I think that any variation of this is fine, as long as you’re not spending every single free moment with this person.

Once you move past those early dates toward dating more seriously, the frequency is up to you. I think if you looked at all of my dating history, excluding the one woman I lived with, I averaged something like 3-4 days a week with my partner if I was in a relationship, and 1-2 days with someone if we were still in that early dating phase. A lot of those were 1.5 days (night date, get breakfast/brunch together) and if you start doing that early on, that’s fine too. I’m way too old to be dating someone and not have a sleepover so a lot of my early dating (once sex is in the picture) involves spending 1.5 days with a person. Ubers and Taxis are expensive and I’ve never dated anyone who was walking distance from my place (quelle tragique, vous savez?).

To wrap it all up: Once a week is fine if you can swing it, multiple times a week is fine too if you’ve got weird or alternating available times, but do not spend all of your free time with someone casual.

Good Luck Out There.

4 thoughts on “How often should you see someone you’re just starting to date?

  1. It depends upon the people too. I remember during my pre-marriage counseling my husband said we do not need to be together all the time, my counselor said he was right. This is different than how I grew up where my parents were always together, always. They worked and played together. My husband would be comfortable with seeing me once/week dating, married or otherwise. I’m long divorced and re-engaged. Quite honestly once we started dating, we hated being separate right from the start, we just like each others company constantly. I know some might think that is weird, but we just like it this way. So each couple/person is different.


  2. Love this. It’s a very important question. I have a friend who recently got involved with someone who they see everyday. We haven’t seen our old friend for months and communication is minimal. They only want to see us when the ‘SO’ is busy elsewhere so friends must fit around the other persons routine. I think the key is to own your own life. Have your own schedule but make some time for love interests. Remember your world should not revolve around them. Let them in, but don’t let them takeover.

    Dem. I’d love to have your thoughts on this.


Your Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s