How do I stop being the guy girls want to be friends with?

Portrait Of Loving African American Couple In Countryside

Hobby_Collector asks:

This might sound really stupid but, I’ve found that guys tend to fall into 2 categories when it comes to girls: friends, or dating. A little about me. I am a 23-year-old Computer Science student at uni. 10-15 pounds overweight. I have a billion hobbies and I’m about as outgoing/big personality as it gets. I have been the guy girls want to be friends with since middle school. I have all the girlfriends, I’ve been dealing out relationship advice since I was 11.

Whenever I meet a girl, within 30 seconds, the idea of dating is off the table but we are set to hang out somewhere or do something faster than I can think and quickly become the person they reach out to spend time with. I love having girls as friends, get past all the bullshit drama stuff (keep the right company and there gets to be much less of it) and there are a lot of really cool interesting girls out in the world. But I am tired of even the thought of being date-able shut out so quickly.

How do I move from “All the girls LOVE me as a friend” to just “All the girls love me”?


Demetrius says:

It seems like you’ve got a good handle on your problem, what your problems are not, and a clear goal in mind. I just want to say, good on you for recognizing that being friends with women isn’t inherently bad. A lot of people will tell other guys in your situation that you either choose between being the guy who gets friendzoned or completely cut them off. I think that in some cases it is wise to cut off people who are using your friendship purely for their benefit, but for the most part, it doesn’t do much harm to have a lot of friends who happen to be women. If they’re a quality friend, it’ll usually be more helpful than harmful.

Enough commending you though, let’s tackle your issue. When you say that within 30 seconds the idea of dating is off the table, I believe you but trust me, there isn’t much you can do to change the immediacy of your categorization from “potential romantic interest” to “plucky friend”. I’ve heard that it takes people somewhere around 1 minute to 5 minutes to figure out if they’re attracted to you, so the :30 seconds figure could be right. All the advice in the world, mine included, will never be able to change the fact that sometimes the people you’re attracted to just aren’t into you. I’m a fairly successful dater, both offline and online, and I can tell you that the number of women who I’ve met who I was attracted to is a significantly higher figure than the number of women who were simultaneously into me. You can’t control who will like you romantically when you meet, but you can change the volume of potential romantic interests, and the number of people you choose to befriend.

The way you worded things sounds like you’re meeting these girls in person, probably around your college. If you were meeting these girls online, I doubt you’d be getting befriended at the rate and frequency you seem to imply because generally speaking, if you meet someone online,  they go on a date with you and then tell you they think they’d rather just be friends. Which brings me to my first tip:  Have you tried online dating? Seriously, if you aren’t already, join a dating site or dating app. Sure, you’ll come across the occasional girl who only wants platonic connections, but for the most part people on dating sites are there to date. Online dating, for all it’s flaws, is a great tool because it helps to filter people out. When you meet someone in person, you wont have the faintest idea of whether or not they want a friend, a romantic partner, an activity partner, or whether or not they’re even available. With online dating sites and apps, you have a clearer idea of their stated goal. 9 out of 10 people on dating sites are there to date, and that 1 hypothetical person is there to sight-see, or meet friends, or what have you. It seems like you have no problem chatting up attractive women, so try it online! I understand that you said that you’re 10-15 pounds overweight, and while that might be a problem for some women, it wont be for others. Your body isn’t holding you back as much as you think.

While I think it’s healthy that you befriend women and don’t think of it as a negative, at some point you have to say “sorry, I’m looking for romantic partners, not new friends”. Don’t fall into the trap of befriending every nice person you meet, because that will cut into the free time you could be spending on pursuing romantic leads. Also, since you’ve got all these lovely lady friends, I’d enlist them for help. Be open and honest about your romantic struggles and ask them if they know anyone who might be interested, or ask a particularly cool friend to be your wingman.

If you went through all the work of making these friends, and you feel as though they are a benefit and not a hindrance, might as well leverage these friendships, right?

Good Luck Out There.

4 thoughts on “How do I stop being the guy girls want to be friends with?

  1. The weight definitely isn’t the issue unless he makes it an issue. Too many friends vs no new friends may be the issue. Be cordial at all times but don’t recruit everyone you meet. Great advice as always

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