How do I pick more suitable girls to date?

doscorohit asks:

The last few girls I’ve been interested were:

  1. Already committed to someone else, and did not let me know till I asked her out, or
  2. Used me for personal or professional gains and always had me as a backup friend (bailed out on our plans at the last moment, disappeared in the middle of text conversations, became super nice when she needed me to do something for her), or
  3. Got close to me, but still saw her ex with whom she broke up because of him cheating on her. She would whine about her ex to me, but still go and see him the next day.

I feel there’s something wrong with me. I always get attracted to the wrong girl and end up feeling dejected. I was once a hopeless romantic, but the past few years have been heartbreaking for me on the romance front. Any words of wisdom, guys?

Demetrius says

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you, but I do think you might be too soft on people. That and you’re blaming yourself for picking bad eggs, when everyone knows that what makes a good egg is on the inside, which you can’t figure out until you crack some eggs.

As with any dating problem, your focus should be on looking for any solutions you can think of. The best thing to do is to start looking for any commonalities that these people share. Besides the fact that these people seem generally shady, what else do they have in common? Where’d you meet? Do you have mutual friends? Really give that some thought. If you’re meeting sketchy people from the same place, whether online dating or offline, I probably wouldn’t go back to that well if you know what I mean. If you’re meeting all these sketchy women on Tinder, maybe put Tinder on pause, you know. If it’s a specific social setting, or one friend who keeps setting you up with the worst people ever, put that on pause. If there isn’t anything that you can point to and say that they have in common, maybe the commonality is you. I’m not trying to blame you for picking poorly, but I’m also not saying that you’re completely off the hook. It seems like the common thread about these women is that they use you, either personally, or professionally, or emotionally. Which makes a lot of sense because you called yourself a hopeless romantic, and those romantics are always the most gullible people. So if the problem is your own acquiescence to terrible things happening to you, what can we do?

What I found interesting about all of your situations is that there seems to be a point where you find out that the women you’re interested in are unsuitable to date, but you still keep them in your life. Maybe that’s not the case with the first situation you describe, but the next two definitely sound like there’s some sustained contact after realizing that these women aren’t suitable to date. Here’s where the problems goes from being bad circumstances to your choice being the problem. Choosing to retain a negative person in your life is no one’s fault but your own. Up until you find out that people are trying to take advantage of you, it’s no one’s fault. I wouldn’t blame someone for being uninformed. Once you are informed, continuing to reward shitty behavior is your own fault. If I had to identify one thing that you could change immediately it would be your continued contact with these women who are clearly not good romantic options. When you feel like people are using you, cut them off.  I don’t think you’ll ever be able to understand how good it feels when some random chick from the internet is trying to get you to pay for her phone bill/dinner at a 5 star restaurant and you hit her with the “Nah, but good luck tho”. I LIVE FOR THOSE MOMENTS.

I’ve found that for the most part, if you don’t waste your time with people who are trying to use you, and if you let go of bitterness, you’ll find quality women all over the place. I think that dating is tough,but usually the people you meet just don’t click with you but aren’t necessarily bad people. I’ve been on more “good dates”, where the date was fine but there was no spark, then there have been “bad dates” or bad date experiences. It sucks for blogging reasons but on a personally level I can’t say that I face the problems you face on a consistent basis. Maybe it’s because I live in a city that’s perfect for dating, or maybe I just have better intuition, but it could also just be my outlook on life.  Enough bragging though, here are some early warning signs that will at the very least help you get a good hint as to whether or not this person is a quality person:

  • They’re evasive about personal information. I’m not saying that they should share their last name and social security number with you, but they should be upfront about their career, whether or not they’re single, and so on.
  • They’re flaky. If they flake on the small things, or ignore you until they need you, it’s a sign of their general flakiness with you.
  • They obsess over their ex. I’m not one of those people who says “If they discuss the ex on the first date, that’s a bad sign” because you know, sometimes they got brought up organically and it helps you to get some insight on them as a person. However, if conversations keep veering toward the ex, and the discussion about the ex is a bit more animated than normal, that’s probably a bad sign.
  • They can’t remember details about you. If you feel like you have to keep reminding someone of who you are, or the conversations you’ve had, that’s a pretty bad sign.

Besides checking for those red flags, just try to avoid feeling down when you deal with crappy people and remember that it’s all a part of dating. Keep that in mind the next time you’re feeling dejected.

Good Luck Out There.

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