Sex on the first date and now things feel different. Was I used for sex?

SmokeMassTree asks:

Her (21f) and I (26m) met on POF. We hit it off pretty well. We were texting Valentine’s night and I asked her to be my valentine. She accepted and we made plans to go out this Saturday. We saw Deadpool on Tuesday, then went to a bar, then went back to my house and had sex. She left almost right after.

I thought everything went well. She was exactly what her pictures showed she’d be. She was even pretty kinky in bed.

The following day I sent her a text saying “I enjoyed meeting you last night”. She replied but it didn’t seem as if she was interested. The mood of her texts felt very different from the past three days.

Now I’m confused on what to do. I don’t want to seem clingy or desperate, but at the same time I don’t want it to seem like I’m not interested anymore.

Was I used for sex?

Demetrius says:

You know what this question made me think of? “Use Me” by Bill Withers. It’s a great song and what I’m listening to on repeat while I write this post. What does that have to do with anything? Besides the fact that it’s an amazing song, this lyric stuck in my head when considering your situation:

Talkin' 'bout you usin' people
It all depends on what you do
It ain't too bad the way you're usin' me
'Cause I sure am usin' you to do the things you do'
to do the things you do

But enough about that amazing song, let’s talk SCIENCE. Though not the most scientifically sound idea, try to think of dating and relationships in terms of Symbiosis. Yes, I’m aware that symbiosis occurs between different biological organisms, just bear with me here while I try to draw parallels. I said I wanted to talk SCIENCE not that I’m a SCIENTIST. There are three types of symbiosis and these three types also correspond to most dating situations the modern dater finds themself in:

  1. Mutualism – Both the symbiont and host benefit
  2. Commensalism – The symbiont benefits with little effect on the host
  3. Parasitism – The symbiont benefits to the detriment of the host

If we had to put that in terms of dating, Mutualism would be a healthy relationship, Commensalism would be where one party dates on their terms and the other party is indifferent about it but not necessarily harmed in a major way (i.e. acceptance of a friends with benefits situation but would prefer a relationship), and Parasitism is when you’re being used, for sex or otherwise. Loose parallels for sure, but you get the gist, right? In nature, the distinction between the types of symbiosis are simple because “benefit” generally refers to things that can be measured on a physical scale. With human interactions, that measurement is a bit harder to do because for the most part, if you’re in a parasitic relationship, you can’t tell what damage is being done because the damage isn’t physical.

Now, back to that Bill Withers quote. Whether or not you were used is subjective because as Bill Withers says, “It ain’t too bad the way you’re usin’ me, ‘Cause I sure am usin’ you to do the things you do”. If you both came to the same conclusion after sex, that things were done, then it wouldn’t feel like you were used. Because you invested emotional energy into this person and it’s not being  reciprocated after having sex, you’re feeling like you were used for sex. It sounds like you were used, but that opinion is subjective. Maybe she thinks that you both benefited, you know?

Here’s the thing though, it doesn’t matter if she used you for sex. Not for any future state at least. Yes, it sucked because you wanted to pursue something serious with her, but the past is past, and all that matters now is moving forward. Only she knows for sure why things changed between you two and I wouldn’t suggest that you try to figure out why. If you want to feel like you’ve exhausted your best options, give it one last shot to see if she wants to go on a date again. When I say one, I mean one. Send a text with a plan figured out for a future date and ask if she’s free. Beyond that, if she doesn’t respond or the response seems flaky, do nothing else.

Your instincts are probably right here and it seems like she’s lost interest, so it’s best to just move on, chalk this up as a loss, and just be happy that you saw what critics are saying is an excellent movie and had hot kinky sex.

Good Luck Out There.


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