I asked her on a date after 2 weeks of talking online. Too soon?

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Xamius asks:

I asked a girl if she wanted to get dinner sometime after talking online for a week or 2, and she stopped messaging me. Is that too fast? Id say there was about 5 back-and-forths online, that usually fits to when I might bring it up.

Would it be weird to apologize and say I’m sorry if I was too upfront or fast, I hope to continue getting to know you


Demetrius says:

When it comes to apologies, generally speaking, you should apologize for doing things that you think are wrong, or are universally considered wrong, but you shouldn’t apologize when what you do might just happen to bother someone. Here’s a question for you: Let’s say that you go on a date with someone and you have a civil disagreement, like say, they think Chicago Style Pizza is better than New York style. Would you apologize over this difference in opinions? If you said yes, congratulations, you played yourself. I think you should apologize when you’re wrong, but not when wrong is subjective. If you upset people because you insult them, sure, apologize, but if people are insulted by things like a difference of opinion, maybe apologizing isn’t the route to go. Just because you did something to upset someone (which we aren’t even sure actually happened) that doesn’t mean you need to apologize. You didn’t insult her, you asked her out on a date. Why would you ever think that you need to apologize for that? Sure, there are some situations where apologies might be in order if you ask someone on a date (i.e. they are married, they’re a widow and you’re at their partner’s funeral, they’ve already rejected you countless times) but apologizing because you followed the norms associated with progression in online dating? Nope. Don’t do it. Apologizing would not only be weird, but it would be a weak move on your part.

Do I think that after 5 exchanges over a 2 week period that you asked her on a date too soon? My shortest chatting-online-to-meeting-in-real-life transition is one day, my longest being two months, so I might not be the best person to gauge “too soon”, mainly because I don’t believe there can ever really be a “too soon”. It really depends on the person, their dating style, their comfort level with meeting you, their concerns about safety, and evolving social attitudes. I remember in the early days of online dating people were saying that you should wait at least a month to meet. Now, you have people saying meet as soon as possible. I think 2 weeks, with 5 exchanges occurring over that time, is more than enough to know whether or not you should meet in person. I don’t think what you did was wrong, or that you moved too fast from a general perspective, but it’s possible it was too fast for her. Luckily, she took herself out of the picture as a viable dating option because trust me, you would have regretted that first date.

Oh, right, I forgot to mention that based on her response (or lack of response) to you asking her on a date she’d be a terrible first date. First, let’s just say upfront it’s entirely possible that she wasn’t offended by you asking her to meet and was just being flaky. It happens, and it could be because she never had intentions of meeting, or because she lost interest, or there’s another beau who swooped in before you could shoot your shot. Totally plausible and highly probable! With that covered, what sort of person gets offended by something like being asked on a date? “But Demetrius, what if she thought that it was too soon and to suggest a meeting within 2 weeks was uncouth?”  you might be thinking because you’re silly, to which I would reply, if she was really that offended by your enthusiasm to meet her, what sort of child-person is she that she couldn’t just say “Hey I think it might be a bit too soon to meet, I’d feel more uncomfortable meeting at a later date”? Or, lets take it one step further, what sort of person gets offended by conflicting dating styles when the person isn’t being rude, demeaning, or vulgar? If you started sending her pictures of your junk, or invited her over to your apartment on the first date that’s a good reason to just cut contact, but if you asked her out on a dinner date? Nope, I’m sticking by this, you dodged a bullet here.

In short, you dodged a bullet. Yes it would be weird to apologize because you did nothing wrong and also because you’d be wasting your time and she definitely isn’t worth it. She’s not worth getting to know if she treats people like this online. Move on and find someone mature enough to communicate when they don’t want to meet, or better yet, someone who actually wants to be taken on a dinner date 2 weeks after talking online.

Good Luck Out There.

 

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