How do I make an accusation if I’m certain about it?

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weirdbeardy asks:

Hey, I love my partner very much but for that reason there’s also things that get me very upset. When chatting with her sometimes its obvious that she talks to other people at the same time, even though I always call good friends off to talk to her. Other times even though I feel we are very close she would accidentally ask me about things she must have talked to others about. In the past I kinda went at her throat a few times when that upset me too much, being completely honest and harsh felt natural to me and seemingly worked out. this time I’m considering a different approach however. Any advice of how to properly accuse somebody to clear things up?

Demetrius says:

Your approach to making any sort of accusation really comes down to what you want to accomplish. An accusation is something people generally do when something like infidelity happens, not when their partner is inattentive. In your case you have to ask yourself whether or not an accusation is actually what you want to do in your situation.

If your goal is to bring about a change in behavior, an accusation maybe isn’t the best route. I’m not even sure of what that accusation would sound like. “You stand accused of generally being inattentive and confusing me with other people!”. I mean, what possible outcome can come out of that? You’re not exactly Émile Zola, you’re just a guy with an inattentive partner who probably feels more comfortable with the idea of accusation rather than simply telling your partner, who you love, that you feel under-appreciated.

I get it, it’s sometimes easier to be angry rather than admitting that you’re hurt. It’s easier to come from a place of confrontation than it is to put yourself in a position where you’re vulnerable. If you’re dead set on making this a confrontation, there really isn’t much to advise here. Be honest, but don’t be unnecessarily harsh, and make your point using an economy words. If you want to approach the situation maturely, tell her that you’ve noticed that she seems inattentive toward you, and it’s upsetting you. Clear the air, listen to her side of things, and see if you can come to a solution that works for you both.

Nothing more to say than this: Making accusation feels good, but generally isn’t solution oriented. Instead, try to clear the air and work toward reaching an understanding and solution. If you really do love your partner as much as you say, try to make them better partner. Accusing your partner instead of talking to them isn’t helpful, and I wouldn’t recommend it. Instead, work on communicating with your partner, not confronting them.

Good Luck Out There.


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