Should I be okay with just casual sex, or leave now?

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JocelynMyBeans asks:

So, a crush from class asked me out on a date last month, and we had been somewhat walking the line between acquaintance and friend for the last semester, so the date was really about getting to know each other. From there, we ended up at my place and kissed and things got a little heated. We kept our clothes on, but still fooled around. At one point, he wanted to go further, but I told him that I didn’t want to since I still don’t know him as much as I’d like to. He said that was fine, but he wanted to let me know that he wasn’t planning on looking for a relationship right now. Fine. We texted over break a few times a week. Not that much, but that was it. I thought it might be over, and we would be friends. 

Then, after break, we spent a night together just cuddling and he was very cute and sweet to me again. I didn’t want to have sex, and he was fine with that.  Fast forward to last week. He invited me over, and he made me steak, we had great conversation, and it was very nice, again. I stayed over because there were tornado warnings that night. Anyways, I tell him that I don’t want to have sex because I feel like that’s where he might think we’re going. And, I’m saying this because I’ve only had one serious boyfriend in the past, and I didn’t want to get attached if he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He tells me that he’s fine but once again he’s thought about us, and he doesn’t know. We spend the rest of the night holding each other until we fall asleep.

So, here’s the dilemma. Should I go with the flow and see if we have more of a connection? Or should I end things there if I want a relationship? I honestly don’t know what I want, but I’m starting to like him, and I know if we hang out the next few times, I may develop feelings for him. I want to have sex with him, but I don’t want to hurt myself in the process. What would you do?


Demetrius says:

I wish I could give you an excuse that would allow you to engage in a friends with benefits type of relationship with this guy that would allow you to feel good about it, but sadly I can’t. Part of you wants to be with this guy in any capacity, and another part of you wants to be in a relationship, which he doesn’t. Quite the dilemma, right? What’s great about these questions is that more often than not, you tell me the answer, or the answer you want, in your question. You’re on the fence about whether or not to go for something casual with a guy who has clearly stated that he doesn’t want a relationship. Wait, let me take that back. You’re not so much “on-the-fence” as you are “actively seeing this guy casually”.  I know that sounds crazy to you, but hear me out. Right now, besides not actually having sex, you’re already friends with benefits. Let’s assume that sex is only like 50% of the benefits when we say “friends with benefits”, and the other benefits are casual companionship without a need for commitment. You’re sleeping over, fooling around, doing all the affectionate things you’d do in a relationship, minus the relationship and the sex. It seems to me that you’re already a friend with a few benefits, and one of those benefits is steak dinners.

So, now you’re in a situation where you have to decide whether or not to continue to pursue this quasi-relationship and wait it out to see if he’ll change his mind, or end a very good thing that’s good, but not your ideal. If it’s me, I’d end things and here’s why. When I say I want something, like a relationship, I actually mean that I want a relationship. Anything less than that, while nice and a fun distraction, is a distraction that will keep me from finding a relationship. If I’m engaged in a quasi-relationship with someone, it’ll be pretty hard to find an actual relationship with someone else because of the time I’d be devoting to an almost-relationship. That’s why when someone tells me they’re looking for something different from what I’m looking for, I generally try to end things amicably and move on.

Which is something you can do right now. I know that a lot of people think of breakups as things you do when the person is terrible, but they’re also something you can do when you just aren’t a good fit, even if they’re a nice person. He sounds like a sweet, honest, and forthright guy but he doesn’t want a relationship. Which is fine, that doesn’t make him a bad person, it just makes him a bad fit for you because your romantic goals don’t align. Waiting around for him to change his mind will only lead to heartache. Either you’ll keep seeing him and you end up hooking up and you regret it, or you stay in this weird limbo relationship where you’re doing everything but sex, with no commitment which will hold you back from potentially meeting a guy who does want a relationship.

Either option sounds like something you wouldn’t want, so it might be time to wish him well and move on. It might suck to do, but you’re doing whats best for both of you.

Good Luck Out There.

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