Should I ask a girl out that I’m not particularly interested in?

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bigbenner asks:

Should I ask a girl out that I’m not particularly interested in but wouldn’t mind being together?

I’m not NOT interested, I’m just not as interested as I usually am with other girls. We’ve been friends for a while, but it’s not like we’re really close…


Demetrius says:

My first reaction is No, but there are some details that you’ve left out so lets go with Maybe.

Here’s the thing that I’ve found through my personal experience. When I really, really and I mean really like someone and I want to date them, it usually doesn’t work out. Maybe it’s because passionate pursuit often comes off as desperate or too-much too-soon. Either way, I’ve found that the women I like a lot early on often aren’t interested, or lose interest over time. The women who I’m mildly interested in, where I think “sure, it’d be nice to take them on a date, and I’d be interested, but it wont devastate me if they reject me” are usually the ones I have the best time dating. The ones who I am ambivalent about, the “Not particularly interested”/”Not-Not interested” ones are usually the type that either connect with me on a very deep level, or never connect with me at all. This is purely anecdotal of course, but I just want to say, sometimes it’s okay to go out with the people you’re not over-the-moon infatuated with.

Now, there are some instances where this isn’t always the case, so that’s why it’s a Maybe and not a No. First I would ask what “ask her out” means to you. Do you mean ask her on a date or ask her to be in a relationship. You said that you wouldn’t mind being together with her but together but that could mean a number of things. When I take the subway, I’m together with everyone on my subway car, when I’m with a girl in bed, we’re together. Those are two very different types of togehter, you know?

If you’re saying that you’re about 50/50 on whether or not you’re into this girl but are wondering if it’s okay to go on a first date, Yes, you can go on that first date. You don’t need to be 100% sold on someone being a perfect match for you to go on a first date, all you need is a basic idea that this person would be okay to be around, and an open mind. When you start from a position where you’re unsure, going on a date or two will help you decide whether or not you should date someone. Maybe you’re not that into her yet, but once you get to know her you’ll realize she’s a perfect match for you. I’ve been in that position way too many times for me to confidently say don’t go on that date. Sometimes you don’t like a person because you have the wrong first impression, or don’t realize how funny or smart they are. I say go for it if you’re on the fence. No matter what, you’ll be able to get over your ambivalence after a date or two and getting rid of “What If’s?” is invaluable.

If you’re actually saying that you’d ask her to be a in a relationship with you, no, you can’t do that, that’s not cool. Relationships are all about learning and growth, and growing together, but the parties entering into a relationship need to be on a fairly level playing field in terms of regard for each other. True, there are some instances where one person immediately falls in love and the other needs to catch up, but I’m thinking of regard as a scale. On one end, disregard, the other end, caring and affection, in the middle, ambivalence. If you’re in a position of either disregard or ambivalence, it’s best to not start a relationship with someone who presumably cares for you. If you both care for each other, go for it. If you’re saying that you’re ambivalent about her, and she cares for you, and you’re thinking “eh, I wouldn’t being together” then no, you shouldn’t ask her out. Simple as that.

Good Luck Out There.

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