Are most girls shy?


BewBies472 asks:

I’m referring to the 18-25 range. This is with respect to asking guys to hang out or taking the lead in conversation or flirting.

Do most of them actually do this or am I just ugly?

Demetrius says:

A few things right off that bat:

  • You’re not as ugly as you think
  • It’s smart to never, ever, generalize what a broad range of people is like
  • And although I just said that, I’m about to make some broad generalizations, so just go with it.

A good unwritten rule to live by is to not hold unfounded biases, especially if those biases are negative. Shyness is often associated with meekness, timidity, insecurity, and countless other words that imply weakness. That said, you’re not completely off-base in your belief that a lot of women do not take the lead. Women in the age range of 18-25 aren’t necessarily more shy than you, they just tend to not initiate, which is the norm across pretty much all age ranges. It has less to do with timidity and more to do with societal expectations on heterosexual dating and mating. The straight man is expected to pursue, while the straight woman is expected acquiesce to his pursuit. Straight women are told, whether in actual words, memes, the judgment of their peers for being the initiator, etc. that women should be pursued, and men should pursue and to do otherwise would be “humiliating, exhausting, and downright bad for your self-esteem”. Which I disagree with personally, and would argue is counter-productive. I always encourage men to shoot their shot, and I encourage women to do the same, regardless of their sexual orientation. Pursue the people you like, regardless of your gender identity. If you think it’s “humiliating, exhausting, and downright bad for your self-esteem” for a straight woman to be the pursuer, what makes a straight man any less degraded by his pursuit of a woman? I’m sorry but I don’t subscribe to this archaic model of dating, but still, my disliking it isn’t going to change the way things are. This isn’t the early days of Rome and there aren’t any Sabines left to abduct, but the old way of male driven romance is the norm. Still, the way of the world right now is that for the most part the man pursues, the woman is pursued, and if you’re wondering why you constantly have to initiate it’s primarily because of this.

Let’s just look at online dating. With all that said, and as discouraging as it might sound, your level of attractiveness has hardly any bearing on how often you’re pursued. There’s a great piece that I would refer you to where a four-month experiment on determining messaging ratios was conducted using OkCupid. It’s a quick read, but here’s the kicker:

Results after 4 months

In 4 months, the two most “attractive” women received almost 1000 messages. The two most “attractive” guys? 50 messages. The least attractive cohort for the women received 125 messages, for the men, 3 messages in total. Point being, that even in online dating, the onus is still on the men more often than not to pursue. Men pursue, women are pursued, regardless of your level of attractiveness. So trust me on this, it doesn’t matter how attractive you are, you’ll still be pursued a lot less if you’re a straight guy.

I don’t want you to get discouraged though. Just because you aren’t getting pursued as frequently doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t pursue the women you’re into. Don’t take a lack of pursuit on women’s end as some indicator of your lack of desirability. Shoot your shot, wherever you can find it, and hope for the best.

Good Luck Out There.

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