I’m apprehensive about Approaching Women. What do I do?


harrychronicjr89 asks:

I know the short answer is “talk to girls”, but I don’t feel very confident about doing so, and I’m worried I’m going to get a really rude response if I do. I don’t flip out if I get rejected, but all it takes is 2 or 3 failed attempts and I just crawl back into a hole and stop talking to girls again.

I wouldn’t say I’m bad-looking, maybe a 7/10 (I do lift/work out and groom myself, wear flattering clothes), but it seems like girls never really notice me. I’m not socially awkward, but I’m not really the “banter” sort of guy; I also have kind of weird sense of humor (think Tim & Eric, fart noises, that kind of thing).

Demetrius says:

Well yes, the short answer is to approach women, but the long answer is “become confident when you approach women”. It’s one thing to try, but it’s another thing to try when you think you’ll  actually succeed. If you’re approaching people with a mindset of fear, or doubt that they’ll even want to talk to you, you will fail. I’m a big fan of the “Shoot your shot” mentality. If you think you have even the remotest chance of hitting it off with someone, take that chance. That only works if you think you have a chance.

The way you describe yourself sounds great on paper, so it probably confuses you when you see guys who appear to be less desirable succeeding with women. Guys who are less fit, don’t dress as well, or groom as well meeting women who you struggle to talk to probably confuses you and I’ll tell you why these guys succeed: Confidence. It might be true that women don’t notice you immediately, but if you had confidence when you approached them and chatted them up, they’d notice it. If you have an air of defeat or reluctance around yourself, they’ll notice that and you wont come off as attractive, no matter how fit you are.

In your situation, here’s what you should try: First, make it a habit to approach the most attractive women you can find with the express goal of getting their name and engaging them in a full conversation. Don’t make this about trying to date them, make it about engaging them in converation. Try to charm them so that you’re having more than just banter. The second thing to try is pursuing people you think will reject you, or people you think are out of your league. That perfect 10 you think would never give you the time of day? Chat her up. Finally, when doing steps one and two, assume that you have a legitimate chance with whoever you’re talking. Sure, you might get rejected 90% of the time as a whole, but on an individual level you have 50/50 odds of connecting with each person you meet. That air of confidence will do more for you than your physical fitness, I can promise you this. The goal here  is to get comfortable with initiating conversation, even if those conversations don’t lead to anything romantic, and also to get more rejections under your belt. Think of ths strategy as batting practice. You need to build confidence to the point where if you strike out 2/3rds of the time, that 1/3rd of the time when you connect seems worth it. Learn to swing for the fences with confidence.

Another thing to keep in mind. While you might not be a “banter” guy, it’s going to have to be one of those things you at least get comfortable doing. You seem like the type of person who does well in deeper conversations, or when people get to know you better, but the path to getting to know you better is paved with small talk. Don’t think of banter and small talk as an end-goal, think of them as stepping-stones. You might not like to banter, but you need it. Banter is just a tool to use to get people into deep conversations, so don’t tie your identity to your skill or enjoyment of it (or lack thereof).

Some final thoughts: This might go without saying but, most women you’ve never met wont respond well to fart noises when you first meet them. Maybe save that for a few dates in? Also, when it comes to being rejected, don’t worry about getting rude comments because let’s be honest, what’s the worst that can happen? She rejects you and calls you a loser or says she’s out of your league. So what? You were just insulted by a stranger! If a random guy walked up to you and said “You suck!” I’d hope that wouldn’t ruin your day, so why should a stranger potentially saying that to you after you come on to them bother you? It’s not like its a close friend who you care for that is insulting you. If you get rejected in a rude way, remember that a stranger is being rude to you. It wont impact your life unless you choose to let it. I doubt it will happen, but if it does, laugh it off and consider how lucky you are to never have to deal with someone who would insult you for trying to start a conversation.

Good Luck Out There.

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