We had sex too soon. How do I save this?



Velosterapetor asks:

I met this girl on tinder (I know) who I actually ended up liking a lot. Second date and I cook a meal for her and didn’t plan on it, but things got hot and heavy. Now I’m worried she’ll think I’m looking for only having fun and not a relationship. Any advise on turning this ship around?

Demetrius says:

Well this is just delightful! I’ll admit, this scenario usually plays out a bit different, with someone with regrets after a night of bad decisions, but this situation? Oh man it’s just so tame and innocent I could die.

Okay, let’s talk about sex, and the speed at which you had sex (or will have sex in the future). There is no right or wrong speed at which you have sex, as long as it is consensual, you’re comfortable with having sex with the person, and you use protection.If someone tells you their is, remember that that is the right speed for them, based on their morals. If you had sex on the second date, cool. Sex on the first date? That’s okay too! As long as you’re okay with it. Now, whether or not people will form an opinion about you and decide you’re not worth dating them based on the speed at which you jump into bed with them is an entirely different thing. It’s a sad truth that some people will judge you harshly for sex on a second date, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that to everyone out there will. Some people make judgments based on actions and behaviors, not whether or not you followed a “This is how soon you should have sex” script. Maybe you lucked out and found a lady who wont judge people for engaging in sexual activities with them.

You’ll never know for sure whether or not she thinks it was too soon to have sex until you either ask (which I wouldn’t recommend), or proceed as if it isn’t the case. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and I think you should too. Assume that she is an adult who thought you had a connection and wanted to explore sex with you and wants to continue dating you, and go from there. Don’t ask if it was too soon, because it might come off as you trying to put words in her mouth by making her be the one to say it was too soon and end things. Just ask her out on another date, and make sure it’s a date that doesn’t involve your place or hers as the primary destination. That will send a clear message that you want to date, and not just hookup.

With that out of the way, I want to get on my soapbox a bit and talk about the whole “we had sex too soon and now I can’t date you thing”. I think that mentality comes from a few places:

  • They weren’t interested in dating you, but figured, might as well get a lay
  • They are ashamed of their own choices, and whether subconsciously or consciously, they’ve decided to end things instead of confronting why their beliefs about casual sex conflict with what they actually want to do
  • The whole “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” bullshit
  • The sex could have just been really bad

Now just to be clear, I’m specifically talking about people who engage in casual sex and then reject the person they slept with because of the casual sex. If you’re the type to reject someone if they offer casual sex, completely different scenario and I’m not talking about you. I’m sure there are nuances I’m missing, and as I’ve stated countless times, I’m not a mental health professional, so don’t take any of this as an absolute truth. Having spoken to countless straight men about why they deem a woman undateable after sleeping with them on a first or second date, none of those guys will ever give a reason other than “If she did it with me, she’ll do it with anyone”. They also can’t really explain why they are deserving of finding love, happiness, or a commitment if they are the type of person who engages in a behavior that they consider unattractive. Anecdotally speaking, the women who I’ve slept with after 1 or 2 dates who then rejected me after this, claiming that it was too soon, never really gave a straight answer as to what exactly made the sex “too soon” or why, having had sex, they didn’t want to have sex again. Maybe I’m just bad in bed, who knows ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. , Variations of the “things are moving too fast” statement was the most common reason given, which has never made sense to me from men or women.

Let’s say we all lived by an unwritten rule that if you go on 3 dates with someone, on the 3rd date you *might* get a bowl of your favorite ice-cream (or comparable dessert you love). If your date said “Screw it, here’s the ice-cream you love a date early” would you then say “You gave me this thing I wanted too soon. Instead of going on another date, with the possibility of getting another bowl of ice-cream, I’ll just forgo the next date and another bowl of my favorite dessert”?  No one who really wants something and gets it thinks “It was too easy to get, I don’t want it”. I’ve never heard of someone getting a job they really wanted, acing the the interview, and then turning around and saying, “No, sorry, this interview process was too easy. Hard Pass!”. Obviously not, because that behavior is typically associated with the behavior of children. They want, want, want, and when they get what they want, they’re often disinterested.

I doubt that my words or advice will change those people, so let’s hope this lady of yours isn’t one of those types. Here’s hoping she comes back for more ice-cream in your future.

Good Luck Out There.

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