No interest in being friends with a former FWB. How do I tell her?


Spondy asks:

To make a very, very long story short, this girl I was having casual sex with had a falling out with me a couple of months ago because I got feelings and she didn’t know how to handle it. Lots of things were revealed and feelings were hurt. We are in the same classes by the way so there is constant interaction whether I want it or not. Fast forward to now, I’m pretty much over everything even after getting my heart-broken (she was my first so this is a big deal for me). Even though I’m over it, I still don’t want her in my life because her personality takes a very negative effect on me and its hard to be around her.

Side note: she also revealed a lot of personal information of mine that i revealed to her to other people when she promised she wouldn’t share those secrets. So basically, she’s dead to me in any regard.

She has been trying to be more friendly in class and everything and i’m not really sure why. I said like one little thing to her indirectly and maybe she took that as a “we’re good” sign? I don’t know but I still don’t want to be friends with her. So my question is, do I tell her politely that I just don’t want to be friends even though I’m over everything or just not text her or talk to her like I have been doing and maybe she will get the message?

Demetrius says:

I guess this question really boils down to this: Do you want to be aggressive, or passive aggressive? Do you want to be direct, or indirect. Personally, I’m a big fan of being direct, especially when you hold ill-feelings toward someone. It seems like you do, so go the direct route.

When I say you should go ahead and be honest  with her, I’m also saying that you don’t need to tell her the whole story. She obviously knows about the falling out, but it seems like she compounded that falling out with being a bit loose-lipped about some personal information about you. That tells me everything I need to know about your situation. If you tell her why you’re upset, I doubt she’ll keep it to herself.

I think that there is a line between passive, passive aggressive, and aggressive and there can be some nuance, but if someone knowingly does harm to you, you have no real reason to protect their feelings. If you’re worried that she might need an explanation, don’t, because trust me, it’s pointless. If you wanted to build a relationship with her, platonic or otherwise, telling her where she screwed up is a good idea. If that isn’t what you want, what good is it to explain your feelings to someone who doesn’t actually value them?

The fact that you wanted more out of your friends with benefit situation and she didn’t isn’t necessarily a bad thing on her part. It’s okay to want different things, and most people who are currently dating have been in a situation where what they want differs from the person they are seeing. It’s just a natural part of dating. I’m sure it hurt, but there isn’t anything inherently wrong with wanting different things. The other part, sharing your personal information with others, is the point where any niceties were thrown out of the window.

If it’s getting to the point where her behavior is becoming grating to you, you need to call her out. You don’t have to be in a rush to do it though.  I’d say that you have to wait for the right opportunity, so don’t try to manufacture it by sending an email or text.  Why? Because she’ll probably share them, since she’s already shared your personal information.

If she tries chatting you up with the whole “let’s hang out sometime” tell her then. Don’t make it a long explanation, or even a real explanation at all. If she asks, tell her simply, “I’m not interested in re-developing a friendship with you”. Don’t explain why, don’t get into how she hurt you, just leave it at that. I mean, you can rephrase it, but I promise you that if you try to explain why you were hurt, she’ll try to explain why you shouldn’t be hurt. If you’re really done with her, or anyone, you should be beyond the point where explanations matter. If she hurt you, and there is nothing she can do to change that, don’t try to explain what hurt you, just give her a firm “I’m not interested” and move on.

This might seem cold, and if it does, maybe you aren’t as done with her as you think. If it seems like the right move, go through with it, but avoid making it lengthy. No need for explanations, just do it short and sweet, in-person if possible, and avoid doing it through texts or email.

Good Luck Out There.

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