The Bigger-Better Deal Problem


Rocketeer-Raccoon asks:

I know that a positive attitude and confidence are key to any relationship but I can’t help but wonder the many problems many of us have to break through and the one problem I’m most concerned about is the “there’s always someone better than me” issue. Naturally people are attracted by the way we look before anything else and this can be a real problem. Likewise for men there will always be someone stronger, better looking and far more chatter than you which in theory is what women want.

Now I on the other hand am only a moderate good-looking person, I’m not a person who “works-out” and I’m not super great at making conversations like I can’t make jokes and can never have a lot to talk about and this will probably make them think I’m boring, doesn’t help if you have Autism to go along with it.

How does someone like me ever get a chance if all women want is a Superman? ūüė¶

Demetrius says

I think that you really hit the nail on the head here. There is a problem with the idea that “there’s always someone better than me”. Not that it’s true, just that holding that thought in your head is the real problem.

If you connect and grow with someone, and they are truly a good match for you, I can promise you that at no point are they looking for the bigger, better deal. Once you move toward commitment with someone, odds are good that they will want to grow and build with you, not stay on the lookout for someone more charming or handsome or better at conversations. Sure, there are people out there who are better at certain things than you, but that holds true for every part of life. The greatest NBA player of all time was mediocre at baseball and was allegedly¬†a terrible gambler. One of the greatest golfers of all time was also really bad at remaining faithful to his wife. Trust me, no matter who you are, there is always someone out there who is better than you you at something. That’s not really the problem, the problem is having a¬†defeatist attitude.

If you hold in your heart that you will fail at dating because of your perceived inferiority, *spoiler alert*, you will fail at dating. If you think you can succeed at dating despite the fact that there will be people out there who are better than you in some ways, you will succeed. Simple as that. I’m not saying you will only meet success on your journey, but it will definitely make the journey a hell of a lot easier if you’re confident in your desirability. You might not be the fittest person, or the most handsome person, or the wealthiest, but maybe the right person for you wont care about any of that. It might sound trite or quaint, but the right match for you will like you for who you are, not what you are not. Compare and Despair as they say.

If you find that the areas that you’re weak in are areas you want to improve upon, that’s fine too, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. If getting better at conversations is something you want to do, work on it. If you feel like it’s not that important that’s fine too. Back to your comics analogy: yes, some people want Superman who can do it all, but Martian Manhunter is just as good as Superman and that appeals to people too. Even if he isn’t as strong, the guy is a psychic Martian. That definitely floats someone’s boat more than the whole x-ray vision. Batman has none of the abilities of Superman but compensates by training himself and the guy is a catch too. You don’t need to be Superman to be super desirable, just focus on what makes you a catch, and remain confident in your status as a catch. That fact that you’re even thinking of how to overcome your insecurities shows me that you’re a catch, so just go out there and be the best Batman you can be.

You don’t have to be the strongest, or tallest, or most handsome person, just be the best version of you. There might be people who are bigger and better in some ways, but that wont make them better matches for the people you truly connect with.

Good Luck Out There.

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