Very little dating experience but outgoing and not awkward. What gives?


dmk5 asks:

Well I am a 25 (M) who is outgoing, good with talking and confident. Not trying to talk my self up just what I think of myself. I was thinking about this of how little dating experience I have had one major girlfriend for five years, we broke up. Then I haven’t dated anybody since then it’s been 3 years. I’m not the best looking dude but I make it work.

This being said I don’t feel the need to date anybody and i am not really a guy to date just because. But thing is I haven’t really had any interest from any girls. Any idea why this would be or am I just not trying hard enough?

Demetrius says:

Just so I get this straight, here’s what you’re asking:

  • Why am I not garnering interest from women? Is it because I’m not trying hard enough, or is it something else?

To answer your question: Maybe. Okay, that was a cheat so I’ll clarify. No one can truly know why you’re not getting attention from women, and it may be due to the fact that you’re not trying. It could also be because you’re inexperienced, or it could be because you’re not as outgoing and confident as you think. Or it could be a whole other reason. Point being, any reason you suggest as to why you might not be getting interest from women is potentially true.

Let me just say that it’s a bad idea to think of women as a monolith. You’re not getting interest from women because individual women have not pursued you. The reasons why they haven’t shown interest in you will vary depending on the woman in question. Some women won’t pursue you at all, so you’ll need to put in some effort. Some women will not find you attractive, no matter what you look like. I could go on but the list is infinite. Stop thinking of it as being a problem with a single solution. You’ll just waste your time coming up with unprovable hypotheses.

With all of that said  I need to address something. What you’re asking and what you’re saying about yourself are just not adding up. In one breath you say that you don’t feel the need to date anybody and that you’re not really a guy who wants to date just because he can date. Then you ask why you’re not getting attention. If you really didn’t want to date, why the hell does it matter if you’re not garnering interest? Are you asking because of your ego? Or are you just pretending you don’t want to date because you feel as though you can’t? Look, you either want attention because you want to date now, or just want the attention to stroke your ego. Figure that out, then come back here.

If you want to get the interest of the fairer sex, you need to work at it. Maybe this will change in the future, but generally speaking straight men have to make the first move in order to get the attention of straight women. It’s not true in each individual case, but it’s more often than not that’s the case. If you’re just doing the whole cognitive dissonance/sour grapes thing and saying you don’t want to date because no one is interested, I’d advise you to drop the act and work hard to get the attention you clearly want. Sure, it’s possible that the attention of women will occasionally fall in your lap, but you have to put in at least some effort if you want it to happen. Even the most handsome charming guy in the world has to be at a place where women are to get their attention. If you’re sitting at home alone, no matter how outgoing you are, you wont get the attention of anyone because you’re alone. Being at a location where single women congregate, like a bar/, lounge, etc. requires some effort on your part. Even if that effort is being at a bar alone. If you just want attention from women to boost your ego that’s cool, you still need to put in some of the effort. I wouldn’t recommend doing anything solely for ego’s sake, but who am I to judge.

If you’re as outgoing as you say you are it shouldn’t be a problem to get out there and work for the attention you want. If you are exaggerating a bit about your confidence and being outgoing, that’s okay. You become the things you do, so if you’re faking your confidence, fake it until you make it.

Good Luck Out There.

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