Girlfriend says she was a virgin, my instincts say otherwise


calstar91 asks:

My gf keeps saying she was a virgin when she met me, but my instincts say otherwise. The past is the past, but honesty would help us build trust and move on. It’s been a mind fuck for me because I’ve been open with her and listed below the reasons why I think otherwise.

  1. She didn’t bleed. I know that some girls don’t bleed, but this would have been straight forward.
  2. She partied it up in college with greek life. Her college frat friend told me in front of the both of us, “Remember that one time we slept together?” She denies anything happening between them, but IMO sleeping together in college means visiting bonetown.
  3. She does things virgins wouldn’t know to do.

FYI being a virgin or not isn’t a deal breaker for me. I posted this as a way for me let it out and deal with the mind-fuck when her friend said that he slept with her.Demetrius says:

I’m really struggling here to give you some sort of benefit of the doubt here, but I’m at a loss. There’s so many ways in which your concerns are just patriarchal bullshit that I’m beyond exhausted just thinking of ways to shade you here. Ugh, this is so hard. I can’t believe I’m talking about virginity on a Monday.

Since I’m committed to doing this to myself let’s address your 3 points:

Point 1: She didn’t bleed – First off “I know that some girls don’t bleed, but this would have been straight forward” literally makes zero sense. What are you even trying to say here? Moving on, yes it’s true that some women do not bleed during their first act of penetrative sex, and it happens for a lot of reasons. Let’s talk about why someone would bleed during a penetrative sexual encounter. I’m no Doctor of Lady Parts or anything, but generally speaking, women bleeds during sex for 3 reasons: The sex act causes tearing and or bleeding, bleeding as a symptom of an STD/STI (ex. Bleeding between menstrual periods is a symptom of Gonorrhea), and breaking the hymen. Now, I’m going to assume that your sex act didn’t involve any sort of vaginal tearing (thank god) and let’s be optimistic and assume she doesn’t have an STD, so why no bleeding if she’s a virgin? Why didn’t you break her hymen, thus producing some amount of blood? Well, it’s entirely possible that her hymen was previously broken. It could have happened accidentally through any number of ways (ex. Horseback riding, riding a bike, etc.) or on purpose (ex. inserting an object into the vaginal canal). She could have easily broken her hymen by vaginally masturbating. No blood doesn’t necessarily mean that she isn’t a virgin, but I guess it depends on what you think “virginity” is. If it’s “intact hymen“, then maybe she wasn’t technically a virgin. If it’s “Penetrative sex with a human” the lack of an intact hymen doesn’t exactly prove whether or not she’s a virgin. Oh and fun fact, did you know that the truly despicable act of conducting a Virginity Test was something that the United Kingdom did to immigrant women marrying a British citizen up until 1979.

Point 2: She partied in college. A Frat friend said that he slept with her – Two points here that I want to address. One, holy shit how do you have a girlfriend when you clearly have zero respect for women. I love that you basically implied that your girlfriend was a slutty sorority girl. That is beyond incredible. I mean, wow dude, part of your reasoning for thinking she might not be a virgin is, and I quote you “She partied it up in college with greek life”. Holy hell man, did you really just imply that literally any person who partied in college and was involved in Greek life would just lie about whether or not they are a virgin or, anyone involved in that life was definitely taking regular trips to the bone zone. I can’t dwell on this point, because it’ll make my brain hurt, but holy crap are you terrible. Uggghhh. To your second point, I know that fraternity guys tend to be bastions of morality and honesty, but have you considered, for a split second, that he might have been lying? Just throwing it out there you know, as a possibility. I know that your incredulity has been primarily reserved for your girlfriend, but maybe you want to point some of that toward her friend.

Point 3: She does things virgins wouldn’t know to do – You have a good point here. I mean, how in the world could a virgin learn things she wouldn’t know through experience? It’s not like we live in a world where a global system of interconnected computer networks linking several billion devices worldwide. It’s not like she has access to a ginormous network of networks that consists of millions of private, public, academic, business, and government networks of local to global scope, linked by a broad array of electronic, wireless, and optical networking technologies. For her to have any sort of knowledge about sex and sexual acts, she’d have to have access to some sort of….Interconnected Network. I dunno man, seems unlikely. In all seriousness, this has to be your weakest point. Lack of a Maidenhead? Sure, that’s plausible from a historical standpoint. Someone telling you they slept with her previously? Plausible I guess, if you’re the kind of crappy boyfriend who would believe a friend of your girlfriend over your actual girlfriend. But having knowledge and skill? That’s silly man. You can never tell how good someone is going to be in bed and number of partners is never a reliable way to tell. I’ve slept with girls who were promiscuous who were terrible in bed, and I’ve slept with inexperienced girls (in terms of total number of partners) who were amazing in bed.

Now that we got that all out-of-the-way, let’s talk about your attitude. Let’s assume that she’s lying, or she has a different definition for virginity than you do. How does this change anything about her? Why is her supposed virginity even important if, as you imply, she’s good in bed? What’s to be gained by even questioning whether or not she’s being 100% honest or not? Have you considered that her definition of “virginity” is not simply an “intact hymen”? I have to be honest with you, if you were being real when you said being a virgin isn’t a deal breaker you wouldn’t have brought this up. No matter the honesty of whether or not she was a virgin before she met you, she’s definitely not a virgin now, so…what exactly is the problem here?

I honestly don’t get this reverence for her virginity. Sex can be incredibly important, and virginity holds a lot of value for people, but once you’ve slept with someone, it doesn’t really matter if they were a virgin before they met you. If her potentially being dishonest is bothering you, either breakup with her because of your doubts or just move past this. If you’re so focused on honesty, why not be honest and tell her “I don’t believe you”. If that sounds like a dick move, guess what, it would be, and questioning her virginity is also dick move.

Either believe her and move past this, or believe she’s lying and move on.

Good Luck Out There.

7 thoughts on “Girlfriend says she was a virgin, my instincts say otherwise

  1. Nobody should ever lie about their sexual past. You might shrug it off, but it does matter. Sex is about trust. When that trust is broken, it cannot heal by itself.


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