They were interested, now not so much. Should I move on?


D3R3K1997 asks:

I’m currently a freshman in college. Like any freshman, I’ve been meeting a lot of complete strangers. During this past week I have met 2 different women that I would have been interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with. The second of the two, after she gave me her number, texted me expressing her regret of giving me her number because she already has a boyfriend and failed to mention that. The first, simply wont text me back.

We ate dinner together once in a “friendly and spontaneous” kind of atmosphere, as I have just met her. We both said that we would like to continue some sort of relationship, platonic or otherwise. But I’ve tried calling her but I caught her in the middle of a class. Not knowing her schedule, I’ve been texting her so as to not interrupt her classes. she has not responded to one of the ones that were worded “You up to anything Tomorrow night?”. I just am having a hard time believing that both girls I was interested in are not interested in me, even though girl No. 1 and I hit it off so well. What do you guys think of my situation? My final plan was to call her tonight. If she ignores my call, I’ll move on. I’m just afraid of catching her in another class.

Thanks in advance.

Demetrius says:

You’re welcome in advance for the advice, and I’m hoping I can give you something that will make you think about dating in a larger sense. What you should do is easy, changing how you think about dating might be a bit harder.

Don’t dwell on the fact that you had two women interested in you and that interest disappeared just as quickly as it came. When it comes to how much attention and interest you’re getting in dating,  it’s usually feast or famine. When you’re up you’re way up, when you’re down you can’t attract anyone. I’m sure it felt amazing to have two women show interest in you so quickly, but don’t let that be something you consider a norm or take it to mean that of the two you should have success with either one. It will happen again I’m sure, but you’ll also have periods where no one wants to give you their number no matter how charming you are. The second girl at least did you a favor by telling you that she has a boyfriend so count yourself lucky that you didn’t waste your time pursuing her. Because honestly, I think you’re wasting your time giving so much thought into the 1st girl as well. It might be hard to believe that 2 girls that you were interested in could both lose interest, but trust me when I tell you it’s very normal.

I know that girl #1 initially seemed interested, but you need to look at her behavior. In dating and in life, trust what people do first, then what they say second. Words are great and all, but if the actions behind them aren’t matching the words, you’ve got a problem.  Here’s what you said about her behavior:

You met this past week and had dinner together in a "friendly and spontaneous" kind of atmosphere (question: WTF does that mean? Moving one). After this, you both committed to maintaining a connection. Since then you've tried calling her and couldn't reach her. You've been texting her since then, and she has not responded to one of the texts where you tried to initiate a hangout. Now you want to call her again tonight.

I understand that you don’t want to lose out on something great, or feel like you missed your chance to shoot your shot, but buddy, the writing’s on the wall. Even if she’s not interested in anything romantically with you, it sounds like she’s a shitty friend. Generally speaking, if a friend asks me to do something with them, I tend to either reply with a refusal or a yes. The fact that she’s not replying to you and not returning your calls shows me that she’s not interested in building a connection with you, at least in the way you want. Maybe she’ll just be a friendly acquaintance who you hang out with from time to time, or someone who you encounter and are polite in passing. Whatever it is, I wouldn’t say that she’s laying down the best groundwork for a relationship on her end. She seems to be pretty inactive when to comes to actually trying to connect, and sometimes inaction tells you all you need to know about someone. Call her if you want, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say she’ll ignore your calls and your texts.

At this point, just move on. If I’m wrong, she’ll eventually get back to you, but I highly doubt I’m wrong on this. You’re  a young kid so trust me when I tell you that you’ll meet new people who actually want to put in the effort to connect with you and you’ll be able to what someone trying to connect actually looks like. Anyone can say “let’s build a relationship, platonic or otherwise” but that doesn’t mean that everyone who says it actually means it and will put in the work. If you’re putting in all the work in a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, you need to take a step back and re-evaluate if all that work is worth it.

Just because you click with someone doesn’t mean you need to be friends and lovers for life. A committment only works if the other party is committed. Never forget that.

Good Luck Out There.

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