How do I avoid the fade out from guys?


sarahjane0214 asks:

Went on a couple full day dates with this guy a few weeks ago who I thought was genuine. Conflicting schedules and an hour and half commute between us kept us from finding a time to get together again, then after 2 weeks of texting everyday, nada.

I chalk it up to him just liking the chase because I honestly did not care for him (because of his first impression. More on the egotistical side, “too cool”) initially so I was more standoffish. But over time I became more responsive. Two weeks straight we’re exchanging sweet messages and then one day when I tell I’ll be in the area, I never hear from him. 

At what point do I actually start showing I care to make him keep trying?

How long until you show genuine affection without thinking about doing too much that you’ll scare them away?

Demetrius says:

I’m not exactly sure if he’s playing games by trying to do the slow fade or the fade out here, or if he just lost interest. I will say this, the only way to avoid any type of rejection is to either change someone’s mind, or reject them first. So if you’re looking for a definitive way to never be slow faded, sorry to tell you, but it doesn’t exist. You can lower the risks of being faded out, but nothing works 100% of the time when it comes to dating.

I’ve talked about How to Recognize Rejection before, and I’m guessing you read it because it definitely sounds like you’re being slowly faded out. Now, whether or not you can change that fact just because you recognize the fade happening is another thing entirely. I’ve found that when you’re in the very early stages of dating once someone makes a decision about you and forms an opinion about how serious you are as a romantic interest, they tend stick to that decision. It seems like he pursued you a bit more earnestly when you first met, you gave off a vibe like you weren’t that into him, and now the tables have turned. He probably thought to himself “She isn’t making me a priority nor does she seem that interested, so I should focus on finding a different #1 priority“. Honestly, I don’t blame him. If I’d met a girl and she seem disinterested in dating me, eventually I’d start feeling the same way about her. It’s entirely possible that I’m wrong here, but I’m guessing that is why things have changed between you both. Sometimes your attention and interest can come on too little, too late and maybe that’s why he seems to be losing interest. How you can avoid this in the future is simple. If you’re going on a date or two with someone, you should at minimum show them that you are interested and want to be on a date with them. If a man told you “I didn’t care for you initially” wouldn’t that turn you off? What if he showed you this with his actions and behaviors? Odds are you’d lose interest pretty quickly, so don’t blame him for doing what most people would do.

Now as for preventing being faded out with this guy, I just want to warn you here and say that it’s really hard to salvage something if you’re already in the process of being rejected. Your best bet would be to show interest, try to initiate hang outs, slowly build up your connection by communicating more frequently and with more substance. Just keep in mind that this is a last-ditch effort that you’re in and it’s possible that he’s already made up his mind about you. Asking “how’s your day” is fine, but getting to know him on a deeper level is what you want to try to do. Get to know more about him on a deeper level by trying to learn what makes him tick, his motivations, dreams, goals, all that sort of stuff. It’s worth a shot if you’re willing to do it, and if you already feel like he’s slowly trying to fade you out, the only thing you’re really risking is the time spent trying to grow closer and your ego being hurt if he cuts you off. I can’t stress enough that while you can come back from this, chances are also good that you can’t come back from the slow fade no matter how much effort you put in.

For the future try to keep in mind that “liking the chase” is a completely normal thing, and that most daters like the chase. If you think of it as less like a chase and more like courtship, which it is, you’ll understand how someone being indifferent to being courted is a turn off. He came off as too cool and egotistical and you weren’t interested, but then he pursued you and you grew more interested so trust me, you like the chase too. Everyone wants to feel wanted and pursued, the trick to not getting the Slow Fade in the first place is to both chase and simultaneously be chased. If the chasing is one-sided, people tend to lose interest in the game.

Good Luck Out There.

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