My friends think she “Needs Saving”. What should I do?

question89 asks:

I’m a 27 m, she’s a 26f. She showed up first date 4 beers deep, she lives at home with parents after a break up last december, she has a pending DUI, she obviously drives drunk because she drove to our date, she smokes pot daily, she’s a chain smoker, she hates her job but can’t get a new one because she can’t pass her drug test.

She also talks to both her ex bf’s as friends. She is college educated, sells insurance, super outgoing, and super sweet. However, admittedly I could be rationalizing away her bad qualities that make this a train wreck waiting to happen, like writing off her showing up to first date drunk as just cute nerves lol.

I guess the reason I ask is because I think im going to have to make a decision of where I want this to go soon with how often we hang out.


Demetrius says:

I think this is one of the few times where the answer is so obvious and so clear that literally everyone will agree with what I have to say. Thanks for making today exceptionally easy for me by being absolutely terrible at dating, and a terrible judge of character.

I had to read and re-read your question so many times to wrap my head around how absolutely clueless and out of touch you’d have to be to even consider one date with this girl, let alone a second date. Let’s be real with each other and just say what you’re sort of implying:

You’re okay with dating someone who puts herself and others at risk by driving drunk

If the DUI was an honest mistake, or a one time thing, okay, maybe I’d give you some leeway and just warn you to tread carefully. But no, she drove drunk to your date and you are totally okay with that even though she’s already got a pending DUI. That’s really what it boils down to, and my mind is blown by the fact that you even thought that you could attribute this to “just cute nerves lol”. Literally no one is laughing out loud at you or this situation. She got a DUI, and you’re trying to brush off her alcoholism as cute. I want to be very clear here when I say that she is 100% an alcoholic and a drug addict and you are a fool for even considering for a split second that this is someone you should date. You might not think she’s all that bad because she has a job and has a college education and is nice and sweet and all that other bullshit you tried to throw in hoping that I would say “You know, she doesn’t sound TOO BAD”.  No, she’s an alcoholic and a drug addict and you’re trying to reason your way into dating her. That’s dumb, you’re dumb, this is dumb. I rarely if ever insult someone looking for advice but you’re being blinded by how attractive this girl is and it’s stupid. Someone needs to tell you that pursuing her is flat-out dumb and I’m not the one to sugar coat it.

She’s an unstable alcoholic who is facing criminal charges. Drop her. This isn’t a discussion, there isn’t room for advocating on behalf of the devil here, there’s no “well maybe…” here. Just drop her, move on with your life, and thank whatever higher power you have that you have the type of friends who would counsel you against dating someone who would point you toward your ruination.

Maybe you need some more convincing because the power of boners is strong, so let’s break things down a bit.

For starters, she has a DUI which is never a good thing to have. That means that she’s perfectly okay putting herself and others at risk and doing it on multiple occasions even after getting a DUI because she drove to your first date after she was 4 beers in. Look, I understand getting nervous about a first date, but 4 beers? She drank more than half of a six-pack before a first date. No one drinks that much because of “nerves” unless the nerves you’re talking about are referring to delirium tremens. The pot smoking? I’d usually offer no judgment, EXCEPT, she literally cannot quit smoking pot to start applying for other jobs even though her current job is a source of unhappiness for her. You know what a tell-tale sign of addiction is? When you are unable to quit using a substance that is negatively impacting your life. All the other things you mention (the intelligence, the charisma, remaining friends with exs, etc.) do not discount the fact that she’s perfectly okay with drunk driving. I’m not sure why that’s not a huge deal-breaker for you, but it would be for me. It SHOULD be a deal breaker for you.

I really well and truly hope that you drop this girl immediately. Dating her can end in a variety of ways, and one of those ways involves physical harm or death. She needs some serious help, and that’s not your job, nor should you volunteer to be the guy who “saves her”. Move on and find an educated, employed, outgoing, sweet girl who isn’t an alcoholic.

Good Luck Out There.

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