Our relationship is based on a lie. How do I get over this?

yatrue asks: 

I met this girl a bit over a month ago. On the first date she made it clear that she was looking for a relationship and showed that she liked me whole lot. We had sex that night.

The 2nd time I was to see her, she told me to come back to her place after I went out with friends. When I texted her at night to confirm, she said she was at someone’s place and to let her know when I’d be free to come over. When I talked to her on the phone, she was drunk. I went over to her place anyway, thinking she was just out with friends. When I got there she was really drunk and told me she was at some guy’s house. Showed me photos on his instagram displaying how rich and well-traveled he was. She said she didn’t like his personality and that she just drank his bottle of expensive wine. She said that he tried to make a move on her but that she denied him. I gave her the benefit of doubt considering how she seemed to want more with me and took her word for it. I saw her a couple more times after that and she wanted something more so I said why not, she seems like a sweet girl, and we decided to be exclusive.

Now about a month later, we went out for dinner and she was a little bit drunk, and out she let slip the fact that she had sex with that guy. I immediately knew it was on that 2nd night I saw her, and called her out on it. So she really did go over to this guy’s house and fuck him an hour before she wanted me to come sleep over with her. Sure we weren’t exclusive and she was free to have sex with whoever she wanted, but if she told the truth I would have dropped all ties with her, or at least taken the possibility of a relationship off the table. I feel pretty deceived.

Knowing that the only reason I’m with this girl, even if she has been really good to me since we’ve been bf and gf, is because she lied, is really disturbing. I don’t want to lose her over it but I can’t help feel bothered. Thoughts?

Demetrius says:

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but her dishonesty bothers me a lot more than the sleeping with a guy right before trying to sleep with you. I actually just posted my 50th podcast episode where we talked about the ethics and morality of dating multiple people at once and you should definitely go listen to it, if only because I landed on the “tell someone about sexual partners” side of things. Shameless self-plug aside, let’s talk about how you can get over this deception and move on.

It seems like the dishonesty is the problem for you as well, but I’m sure that the fact that she had sex with some rando and then planned on having sex with you later in the night makes you feel some type of way. I’m as liberal and open-minded as they come when it comes to dating and sex, but if a girl I was about to sleep with or had slept with told me that she just had sex an hour before we did, I’ll admit that I’d be uncomfortable. I think most people, unless they’re specifically down with polyamory, would have some issues with someone trying to have sex with them only an hour after sleeping with someone else. It’s perfectly okay if the timing of the sex and the dishonesty are bothering you, but just know which of them is the real reason behind your issues. It sounds like you’re a bit conflicted on what the problem for you actually is, but I’ll get to that later.

If it’s the dishonesty, you can bring it up and talk it out, but I can tell you right now why she was dishonest if that helps. She was being dishonest because she was worried about how she’d be perceived, and about losing her shot with you. You were very early on in your budding relationship, and you still are just to be clear, and since monogamy wasn’t at that point established, she was still playing the field, and I’m guessing she knew that telling you about a sexual encounter she had would make you lose interest. Most daters are playing the field these days, and most people ARE NOT telling the people they date that they’re playing the field. I’m not saying that because it’s a norm means that you shouldn’t be bothered by it, I just want you to know it’s common. I will admit that the timing was shady on her part, and the fact that it was a blatant lie is troubling, but she probably knew that you would cut all ties with her if this was this case.

In which case I have to ask before we move on…Why? You said that if she was honest with you about the fact that she slept with this guy, and then spent the night with you (also, slept with you) you would cut off ties with her. Fine, you’re entitled to your own sense of morality, but why then are you still dating her if this is the case? Maybe you wanted her to lie to you and she knew it. If the morality of what she did would have bothered you if she’d been honest, how is knowing now not a cause for you to split. If I had to venture a guess, it’s because of your ego. Someone put their hand in your cookie jar and if you had known, you’d cut ties with her. The fact that she lied about it somehow feels better to you because she tried to protect your ego. It’s just something for you to think about, and not an indictment of you and your flexible morality.

If you’re more okay with the fact that she lied to you then you would have been if she was honest in the first place, I don’t even know what to tell you.If it helps, maybe you want to have a discussion about her dishonesty while she is sober, and make it a point to be very specific in what you discuss (ex. did you use condoms, is there anyone else/was there anyone else, am at risk for STDs/STIs, etc.).  It sounds like you’re over the dishonesty and the fact that she slept with the other guy based solely on the fact that you’re still dating her so there really isn’t much I can tell you other than just try to move on if you want to make things work. If it’s your pride that’s hurt, get over that too. If you think her deception was something completely unforgivable, decide whether or not you want to be with someone who would lie about who/when they sleep with or slept with someone. The “only reason” you’re with this girl IS NOT because she lied to you. The “only reason” you’re with her is because you’re attracted to her and you clicked, and she was attracted to you and wanted to commit to you. It seems like you either need to address the deception, or your hurt pride and try to move on, or end things.

If you want to stay with her, which it seems like you want to do, then just do it and get your issues out in the open so you can move on. If you leave, I wish you the best of luck and have one suggestion. After you sleep with someone for the first time, ask them if they are dating or sleeping with someone else. Not from a place of judgment, just so that you leave the opportunity for them to tell you upfront.

Good Luck Out There.

4 thoughts on “Our relationship is based on a lie. How do I get over this?

  1. That’s a lot but he should also be clear that she only lied then but does she lie now. That small indiscretion can be over looked as long as its not a character flaw. If shes a person who likes to protect her image isnt a good thing

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah the odds are definitely not in your favor at all if you sleep with someone on the first date. It’s not even a moral judgment thing, it’s just that you skip so many steps when you jump to sex that are hard to go back to. I just think it’s difficult to have those small, meaningful conversations once you’ve jumped to sex


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