I like her, but am I wasting my time?

Truelich asks:

Okay, I’ve known her for about a week, and before I asked her out or anything, I’d want to know her pretty well, and that could take months. She’s new in town, and I know she doesn’t want anything romantic right now. She told me a few days ago “I’m not interested in anyone who feels mutual. I just want to hang out for a little while.” and I told her I thought everything takes time and you can’t rush into shit, and she agreed, but also said “Sometimes you just hit it off and think ‘Hey, this doesn’t happen’ and ‘Hey, I was right'”. I don’t really know what that last part means. She’s been getting increasingly friendly as well. We have a lot in common, and we’re both musicians. She wanted me to learn her favorite song and play it for her, which I’m going to do. Everyone keeps telling me to just keep talking to her and it’ll play out well because they all think she likes me, but I’m blind to everything that has to do with me. I’d like to eventually be something with her, but I of course want to be close with her first. Do you guys think if I keep talking to her eventually we could become something? My friend knows her better than I do, and he told me to keep talking to her, but he told me to not try to get with her.


Demetrius says:

Some of my more loyal readers might be thinking “Why is he answering this question when the answer is so obvious” and to those readers I say…listen folks, I had a really long weekend okay? You don’t just start swinging for the fences on a Monday, sometimes you need some softballs to warm up. Subjective dating advice is my favorite type of monday morning warm up.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, when it comes to time and timing, there are rarely ever absolutes when it comes to dating. You have to factor in your preferences, the preferences of the person you’re pursuing, cultural and societal norms and expectations, and countless other factors. The answer to whether or not something is worth your time or a waste of your time really has more to do with how much you value your time. My time is precious so I wouldn’t invest much of it by pursuing this type of person. Then again, I don’t necessarily think it’s automatically a waste of your time to pursue her, you just need to manage your expectations and your time invested.

That doesn’t mean that I think you should take a drastic turn and just drop her, just lower or change your expectations a bit. You’ve known her for a week, are clearly very smitten, and also aware that she’s in a weird limbo where she knows what she wants (or doesn’t want) but seems to be getting closer to you. Here’s what I think you should expect from her so that you don’t feel like you’re wasting your time: Nothing. When it comes to the effort and time you should invest so as not to feel like you’re wasting time, here’s how much you should invest: the bare minimum OR just reciprocate the time and energy she invests in getting to know you. The thing is, you shouldn’t expect much of anything from new people when it comes to dating. Not just in your specific situation, but for all daters. You should expect at minimum that they wont harm you, but building expectations around a budding relationship is setting yourself up for heartbreak. When it comes to the time you want to invest in this person, don’t start dedicating huge swaths of your time to her unless she starts doing the same. At this point you don’t know her that well and it sounds like she’s not really clear on whether or not she wants to pursue anything romantically with anyone, let alone with you. So yes, continue to talk to her, but don’t dedicate yourself to only talking to her.

Keep your options open and try to pursue women who actually want the same thing you want without all this wishy-washy nonsense she’s spouting. Keep her on the back-burner and still talk to her if you want to build up a friendship, but don’t expect her to want to date you any time soon. That might actually make you more attractive to her, to be quite honest. A lot of people fall into the trap of becoming completely dedicated to an unavailable person when the way to become more attractive to an unavailable person is to become unavailable. It’s not a foolproof strategy,but it’s a better strategy than being the person who is always available. I think that it’s possible that if you keep talking to her it could into something, but it’s not probable, so don’t invest too much time and energy into her.

Good Luck Out There.

2 thoughts on “I like her, but am I wasting my time?

  1. Pingback: Is it normal for the guy to do all of the work? | Tao of Indifference

  2. Reblogged this on Beers, Balls and Bacchae and commented:
    “Keep your options open and try to pursue women who actually want the same thing you want without all this wishy-washy nonsense she’s spouting. Keep her on the back-burner and still talk to her if you want to build up a friendship, but don’t expect her to want to date you any time soon. That might actually make you more attractive to her, to be quite honest. A lot of people fall into the trap of becoming completely dedicated to an unavailable person when the way to become more attractive to an unavailable person is to become unavailable. It’s not a foolproof strategy,but it’s a better strategy than being the person who is always available. I think that it’s possible that if you keep talking to her it could into something, but it’s not probable, so don’t invest too much time and energy into her.”

    Can’t be said enough to a lot of guys.

    Liked by 1 person

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