We flirt like crazy, but he’s been flaky lately. What should I do next?

whatshouldido09 asks:

This guy who’s in my graduate program and I have been hardcore flirting for the last few months. We hadn’t talked much online or texted, but in person I could often feel him looking at me and we’d flirt a lot when given the chance. We finally hung out alone for the first time this past Friday night (watched a movie at his place) and ended up talking for hours and intensely making out for a good 20+ minutes. We get along really well and both feel really comfortable with each other and agreed to hang out again Saturday night, which he called off from being too tired after his long day. I tried to make plans with him yesterday which he happily agreed to but then had to cancel again.

I don’t know him well enough to know if he’s actually blowing me off or if he’s just a little flaky, so based on the info I’ve provided can anyone give me a little insight? At this point I’m waiting for him to ask me to hang out since I’ve tried twice to no avail. I like this guy a lot and although I know he likes me I’m not sure to what degree. I’m not even looking for us to go full-relationship as we’ll be in different states for the summer starting in a few weeks, I just want to spend time with him because I enjoy his company! However, I also don’t want to pester and pester and pester him.

Demetrius says:

Sometimes a flake is a flake, and sometimes a person is just busy. You can never know why someone is cancelling, but honestly, the why doesn’t matter as much as the pattern. No one that I’m aware of has gone through life without having to cancel at least one social obligation, but how they do it, how they follow-up, and whether or not it’s a pattern really tells you more than you’d think. I’ll be honest upfront and say that this guy is definitely showing a clear pattern of flakiness, so it might be time to move on.

You don’t give me a lot to go on because the timeline is so short and the details are spares, so I’ll spare you the guessing and conjecturing. The small bit of information you have given me is pointing toward the beginnings of a pattern of flaky behavior. It’s been about a week since you started actually talking and hanging out which came after months of flirting. So far, you’ve only really hung out at his apartment and since then he’s flaked on plans and flaked on actually planning a rain check for the plans he cancelled on. What does that tell you? Well for starters, it could tell you that this is someone who likes things to come to him because he wont put in the effort required to actually date. If I’m a single guy, there is no way that it will take me more than say, one week of hardcore flirting before I make a move and or ask a girl out. Why did it take him “a few months” of hardcore flirting to ask you out? It’s not like you’re 16 years old, you’re both in a graduate program! Ya’ll are grown as hell! If I had to guess, it’s because it was easy for him, and that is the clearest pattern I’m seeing. He does things that are easy for him and getting a girl to watch a movie at his place is one of the easiest dates to plan.  Now that he has to put in the work with pursuing you and following through with plans, he’s become flaky. Or maybe he has always been flaky, and that’s why he never followed through with actually asking you out all those months ago. That would explain why when you were at his place you had a great connection, but getting him to hang out again after that has been a bit more challenging. When he doesn’t have to put in effort you connect, but the thing is dating doesn’t work that way. Dating requires effort, and his lack of effort should be troubling to you.

What you should do next is simple. Ask him out one more time (if you really think it’s worth it, because I don’t) and see what he does. If he cancels, tell him that if he wants to see you again he has to plan it because he’s cancelled so many times. If he doesn’t cancel and goes through with the date, awesome! Odds are good based on his pattern that he’ll flake again and won’t follow through with planning another date.

Either way, you don’t have to “Do” much of anything. Just assume he’ll flake again and be ready to move on to another dude who will actually make you a priority. If he proves you wrong, awesome, if not, drop him. Simple as that.

Good Luck Out There.

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