I’m 28 y/o with no LTR experience. Turnoff?

KenAdams87 asks:

I’m starting to think that the fact that I’ve never been in a relationship is subconsciously ruining my chances of getting a girlfriend or sex. Is it seriously that big of a turnoff to women that I’m this late in the game? I’m not ugly, I’m in decent shape, and I drive a nice car. While I still live with my folks, I’m going to school and looking to have my degree and my own apartment in about a year, so it’s not like I’m not trying to better myself. I can be pretty sociable (I have a big circle of good friends), I’m funny and I have an overall good personality. I had low confidence in myself up until recent years; eventually I’ve managed to grow some self confidence in many areas, but still lacking when it comes to the opposite sex. Will the fact that I’ve never dated (and barely had sex) turn women away from me?

Demetrius says:

Two things to address here. First, you want to know if your lack of experience is a turn off to women. Second, you mentioned that your lack of experience might be subconsciously ruining your chances of getting a girlfriend. So let’s talk about both.

For starters, I want you to keep this in mind. There are almost no universal turn ons or turn offs. Yes, there are some universal turn offs and they are usually extreme, but if a woman can try to marry Charles Manson, literally anything can be overlooked depending on the person. Your inexperience will be a turn-off to some, a turn-on to others, and some will be indifferent about it. How you discuss your inexperience is really going to determine how much of a turn off it actually is. Anything considered not the norm can be off-putting to daters, whether it’s inexperience, or what extensive experience. In your case, what’s the point of even bringing it up? Seriously ask yourself, what’s the point of telling someone “I’ve never had a girlfriend”? When you start dating someone new, you really only need to disclose things that could potentially put their health at risk. In your minimal sexual experience, did you contract an STI and STD, or are you currently engaged in any activities that would put you or a partner at risk for exposure to an STI or STD? (These include: Intravenous drug use, excessive substance use or abuse, sex with multiple partners, unprotected sex, if you currently have an STI or STD, etc.) If you can answer that question, that’s really all you need to tell someone who you start dating. That’s the only information that I would share with a new potential sexual partner. What I wouldn’t share is my specific number of past partners or specific experiences. You can contract an STI/STD from having partner, and you can also not contract an STI/STD if you’ve had multiple partners. Your relationship and sexual history doesn’t matter so much as whether or not having sex with you will put someone at risk. If you can say honestly whether or not you are putting someone at risk are not by sleeping with them, that’s all you have to do.

In what other facet of your life would you constantly talk about your lack of knowledge without prompting? Wild guess, but you’re not a psychologist right? Nothing wrong with that, but you’d never bring the fact that you’re not a psychologist on a date right? Even though your hypothetical experience in psychology would potentially help you better understand people and make you better at forming new  relationships, you wouldn’t bring up the fact that you lack this experience because your lack of knowledge isn’t relevant. I’ll be honest, even with all of my experience with dating and the expertise acquired by putting in my 10,000 hours, I still made plenty of dating mistakes. Knowledge and experience are all well and good, but they aren’t everything. Don’t let your lack of experience deter you, just don’t bring it up and you’ll be fine.

Now you want to know if your lack of experience is causing you to subconsciously ruin your chances at meeting women, well, the answer is probably yes. You clearly have a complex around your experience, and you’re probably ruining your chances of meeting someone because you’re hung up on your inexperience. The best way that I can think to overcome this is to never, ever, bring up your inexperience. Everyone has insecurities, but how often you bring them up is what people use to determine whether you are “Insecure” or not. If you never bring up your insecurities around your inexperience, you’re likely to be viewed as confident and more attractive. If you bring them up constantly, or dwell on them, you appear less attractive. You can still have those insecurities if you choose to, I would probably work to address them personally, but you can acknowledge your insecurities and work around them. People do it all the time, and you can do. But seriously, consider seeing a therapist around your confidence around the opposite sex. It can’t hurt.

If you’re worried about your sexual inexperience being an issue, don’t worry. Because women, as humans, have unique wants, needs, desires, and turn-ons, you’re actually in a very good place. You don’t have to unlearn too many bad habits from previous sexual encounters. Once you start dating someone and your relationship gets physical, communicate with your partner to find out what turns her on. Remember, every person is unique in what turns them on. Sure, there are some things that most people like, but preferences vary differently from person to person.

Focus on your partner, ask her questions, ask for feedback, and you’ll be the thoughtful guy who wants to please his lady. Would you rather be that guy, or the guy with tons of experience with an unsatisfied girlfriend?

Good Luck Out There.

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