He reminds me of my ex. How can I get past this?

haveagreatdayguys asks: 

I met a guy on Tinder and things have been going really well between us. But the more we hang out, the more he reminds me of my ex boyfriend. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but something about his looks and his voice just reminds me too much of him, even though they have different voices and they don’t look alike.

Also, it doesn’t help that he also has the same name as my first boyfriend. However that’s so far into the past that I’m not really concerned about it.

So how can I keep seeing him without him reminding me so much of my ex?


Demetrius says:

This question was so polite I had to answer it. Also, it’s really interesting, I have opinions, etc. but when someone says “Thanks” I’m way more prone to answer their question. Future reference for all you folks seeking dating advice.

But, let’s tackle the issue. This issue, of associating the new boy with an ex, falls firmly in the “you’re in your head” category of dating issues. The problem is you, so the solution has to come from you. My simplest version of the answer for you is “Stop associating him with your ex” but you know, life can never be that simple. Here’s some actual strategies you should try:

Think of all the ways that new boy is different from the ex boy. You mentioned that this new guy, besides sharing the same name as an ex, doesn’t really look like or sound like your last ex. Good start, now tell me what else separates them. What is the new boy like and what makes him different from your ex?

Compare and Contrast. Okay, this is a bit of a continuation of the first step, but bear with me. Now that you can think of how New Boy is better than Ex Boy, compare it. Is the New Boy better at some things that the Ex Boy wasn’t? Awesome, really give that some thought. Does he make you happier because he’s different? I’m guessing that’s probably the case if things are going well. I know that “comparison is the thief of joy” but that’s the point. You clearly have complicated feelings about your ex and the best way to deal with those might be to take a critical look at him, then a critical look at the new boy, and see where your Ex just does not measure up.

Get over your Ex. That’s what’s really at the heart of the problem. You’re not completely over your Ex, so the idea of dating someone even remotely similar to him is making it difficult for you to date. That says more about him then it does about you ESPECIALLY because you said things were going well. If things are going well and he reminds you of your Ex, what’s the problem? Most people date people who are similar in some way. It sounds like the real issue here is some unresolved feelings about your ex. The best way to solve your problem is to look at why you have these feelings about your ex and work on those.

Beyond that, there isn’t much you can do. Because the problem is in your head, you’re going to have to get in your head and work it out. Hopefully you do, because New Boy makes you feel good, and that’s what matters.

Good Luck Out There.

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