To Kiss or Not To Kiss

pinetoepeas asks:

This might be asked a lot but I need to get this off my chest. we’re both 26. Been having flings with random girls. might have found the one. We met on OkCupid and we seem to hit it off. She is a nurse getting a master’s degree with the same hectic schedule as my own, and similar interests(we both like music festivals and doing drugs…safely) We went on our second date on Sunday, watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones.I got there at 8pm, and didn’t leave till 2am. On our first date we met for drinks

We spent most of the time talking about life, goals, friends and general stuff, what we are looking for in life, etc. She’s pretty laid back and easy to talk too. My issue here is that there was no positive body language I got from her end. we where on the couch towards the middle. I made some moves to at least get an arm around her or some sort of physical interaction but nothing really happen.

It also didn’t help that around 1 am her phone kept blowing up next to me repeatedly for about 20 mins. on a Sunday. she would hide her screen so I couldn’t see who was calling and kept apologizing for her crazy friends. At no time was i rushed to leave. we both had to start work at 9am the next day. she got me an Uber when my phone died and let me know her plans for the week. said maybe Wednesday she’d be free. I even texted her once I got home and we kept chatting till 3am.

Again, i could be blowing it up but it was just weird for me. It’s the first time I’ve gone on a date and felt a connection. i just don’t know if she did. combined we’ve spent 12 hrs hanging out in 2 dates. no kiss. no hand touching, just a hug. my head is doing circles (e.g should have been more aggressive, kissed her, etc). and the 1am “booty call” just threw me off along with not kissing.

Any advice would be great? feel free to ask questions. I cant even work and its the first time feeling like this in a while.

Demetrius says:

Just because a question is asked a lot doesn’t mean I wont answer it! Though I get variations of this question a lot, that doesn’t make it one I’m any less excited to answer. I’m a real romantic that way, I want everybody to go out there and makeout with the people they’re mutually attracted to. It’s easy to be confused about whether or not a date actually went well if there isn’t some positive body language or contact at the end. The difference between a “good date” and a “great hangout with a friend” is so slim that it’s easy to confuse the two. You’re right to be concerned, and I can’t tell you what she was thinking, but I’m hoping that my advice helps you out on your next date and in the future.

FI=irst let me just say, shared interests aren’t necessarily the best indicator that you’re a good fit with someone, nor is getting along with someone a sign that an attraction can or will develop. That’s a great indicator that you’ll be friends, but attraction is really what it comes down to when it comes to dating. All the things you described, though not the specific details, sound like most friendships. You can talk for hours, you have similar schedules, you both like the same music and recreations, and so on. I just want to caution you because people confuse compatibility with connections. They are not the same, and never forget it.

With that said, the one bad sign you described isn’t a bad sign, at all really. It’s entirely possible that she was getting a booty call at 1am, but so what? You have gone on exactly two dates with this girl, it’s possible that she’s got other irons in the fire, so to speak. She’s keeping her options open, and I would advise that you do the same as well. Not just in this situation, but in life.

Now that your situation is in perspective, let’s talk about where to go from here. You are in neutral right now, and the only way to get in to gear is to fix the problem of no contact/no kissing. On your next date, you have to try to initiate contact. Right now it’s very unclear if she’s into you at all, and waiting for her to make a move is a bad idea. She’s probably thinking the same things about you. If you really like her, you need to go in for the kiss, or hold her hand, or do any sort of contact that conveys attraction so that you can move past just being compatible. By the third date, people tend to decide if they are a good fit together so your window is rapidly closing. On your next date you have to make a move.

In the future, don’t let it get to the point where you’re on date number 3 before you even attempt to kiss her. If you like someone and you’re attracted to them you should try to close the night with a kiss, or at the very minimum some sort of contact that delineates between just friends and attraction. Holding hands is my go to option for folks who are a bit shy or nervous but I always recommend the kiss as the definitive indicator of attraction.

So get out of your head, and in the immortal words of Samuel E. Wright, Kiss the girl.

Good Luck Out There.

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