Should I try to reconnect with a girl I met last summer?

todaythrowawayokay asks:

We met on tinder and we hit it off so well that she deleted her account when we switched over to text. She wasn’t looking for sex and she knew I was looking to date. We had a ton in common and talked everyday for almost two months and tried to meetup, but eventually her ex came back into the picture and she wanted to stop talking because she wasn’t comfortable to date. I said goodbye and had no intention of ever talking to her again. For some reason, a month or two ago I sent her a friend request on Facebook and she accepted. She liked one of my posts and followed me on Instagram. I have no idea if she’s actually with anyone, but I have this urge to try to reconnect with her. I just don’t want to go through the same thing as last summer. I was really into her, so I’m hesitant to get into this again. I’m also not sure what to say.

Any advice? Thanks.

Demetrius says:

Before I start with the advice, I just want to admit that while reading your question, and writing the subsequent advice, I was listening to Summer Nights. You’re just going to have to accept that and move on. You might also have to accept a much harsher truth: You might be getting Catfished.

You know, I didn’t notice it until I re-read your question a few times, but the pattern is there. I’m not saying that this woman is 100% catfishing you, but I am suspicious.  Initial contact on a dating website, then an abrupt deletion of their dating profile. Long period of contact via text, then an abrupt end of contact after a meetup is proposed. If you don’t want to go through the same things you went through last summer, you need to proceed with the utmost caution.

How you proceed depends entirely on whether or not she is who she says she is, if she is who she says she is but has no interest in meeting you, or if she’s legit AND single and willing to meet. To answer your initial question of if you should reconnect, Yes, absolutely, but with caution.  Let’s go through what you’ll need to do in each situation.

Catfish

If she’s catfishing you, chances are she’ll be single when you contact her, will be eager to remain in contact, but will be hesitant to meet up, or have reasons why she can’t meet. Maybe they’ll be sudden reasons after a specific date is selected, or something will come up suddenly. With a Catfisher, they often have sudden urgent issues to deal with like the death of a close friend or family member completely out of nowhere, a sudden financial misfortune, the reappearance of an Ex who has never been discussed, things like that. If you decide to reconnect and she stalls on meeting up with you after a month of contact, odds are good that she’s not who she’s pretending to be. At this point, drop her and move on.

She’s real, but has no interest in meeting you

It’s also very possible that she is who she says she is, but has no intention of ever meeting you in person. I’ve often found that the people who are like this are dealing with anxiety issues, or are extremely introverted. They enjoy the attention, but want the attention on their terms, and wont admit that they have no intention of meeting. The same rules apply when it comes to time spent before reconnecting and meeting up as you would a catfish. If she reschedules or cancels on a meet up or multiple meet ups, give her a month before you drop her. Things happen in life and you don’t want to be the guy who falsely assumes the worst about a person, but if you can’t get a meeting together within a month, it’s never going to happen.

She’s real, is single, wants to meet

Awesome! If this is the case, you’re in good shape. If she wants to meet up with you, and seems legit and single, by all means meet up with her. Same timeframe stands as before, so if a meetup doesn’t happen within a month, drop it. Above all else, when you reconnect I want you to make sure she is not a high priority in your life until you meet. Connections over texts and chat are good, but that isn’t a subsitute for in-person chemistry. Don’t stall for her, or make excuses for why she wont be able to meet, because she could disappear out of your life as quickly as she did a year ago. It goes without saying that if she isn’t single, don’t try to reconnect with her romantically.

No matter what, stick to the 1 month timeline, and not prioritizing her, and you’ll be fine. Don’t be tempted to make it last longer, or spend all your days and nights chatting with her because then you’ll be in the same position you were in last summer, completely missing out on getting Summer Lovin’ from someone else (who isn’t a Catfish).

Good Luck Out There.

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