Should I call her out on her games?

skibum207 asks:

Been talking to a girl for a while, and we’ve hung out with her previously. I invited her to a party and she said she’d let me know if she could go.The day/night of the party came and I never heard from her. Her friend told me to text her(the girl) asking her to go because “she needs to hear it from you”. I never texted her because that’s ridiculous. Other friends of her showed up and were talking about how she liked me and was looking forward to hanging one on one with me some time. The next day I found out she deleted me on snapchat.

Should I call her out or leave it? At this point I don’t want anything to do with a girl playing games like that. Shes really cute, but this was off-putting and I feel pursuing a girl like this would be a bad idea.

Demetrius says:

You asked a simple question so I’ll give you a simple answer:

Should you call her out or leave it?

Leave it.

I’m a big fan of calling people out, but only in specific circumstances. When I call someone out, it has less to do with my ego and more to do with what I want them to do.  Let’s call “calling someone out” what it really is and remember that we’re talking about conflict resolution, or reconciliation. When I call someone out, it’s because something they did bothered me (the conflict), and I want to let them know in the hopes that they wont repeat that  behavior (the resolution). Whether it’s intentional or not doesn’t matter, all that matters is that it’s an issue that requires resolution to maintain friendships or relationships. I like to judge every situation by the circumstances and decide whether or not I should call someone out. Not everything or everyone needs to be called out on their behavior, because calling out is all about reconciliation. If I have no plans to reconcile with someone, I could care less if they ever apologize to me.

What people are saying when they ask if they should call someone out is either “Can I fix this problem by talking about it?” or “I want an apology”. This might be an unpopular opinion to hold,  but apologies on their own hold no real value to me. The value is in the forgiveness. Let’s pretend you’re in a relationship and your partner does something that bothers you. If they apologize and you forgive them, that’s a powerful thing. They get a chance to express remorse, you get a chance to forgive and discuss the issue, and you’re both likely to become stronger because of it. Now, pretend that you are dating someone for say, a month. They’ve continued to exhibit a behavior that upsets you, to the point where you don’t want to date them anymore. What purpose will their apology serve? If you have no intention of forgiving them and continuing your relationship, what outcome could you get from calling them out that would satisfy you? If you’re past the point of forgiveness, an apology is worthless. It might help your sense of pride or justice, but there isn’t justice in dating. Sometimes people do crappy things to each other when they date and unfortunately, there can’t be justice in some situations. If you’re dating someone, they use you for sex, and then they apologize what good does it do to you when you’re still dealing with the pain of being used for sex? If they promise to not do the same thing to someone else in the future, will that make you feel any better?

What would I do if I was in your shoes? If it’s not clear already, I’ll be crystal clear and say it: I wouldn’t call her out. It serves no purpose. By your own admission you say that you’re done with her and want nothing to do with a girl who likes to play these types of games. Perfect! If you really believe that, then there is no reason to call her out. What’s the point of correcting her behavior if you wont be experiencing it anymore? What could you hope for outside of an apology? Now, maybe you’re the type who values apologies because it’s a social norm, but really, what does the apology of a stranger mean to you? What can you do with “I’m sorry” from a person you want nothing more to do with?

I’m not suggesting that you be a doormat when it comes to dating, I’m just suggesting that you save your conflict resolution conversations for people you actually want to see again.

Good Luck Out There.

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