I don’t know if he’s interested? How can I find out?

throwmeaway3645 asks:

 So I’m a decently attractive (judging from others reactions/opinions of me), calm, happy, and confident girl. Just got out of a LTR. I met this really awesome guy, he’s my type, attractive, funny, we share many similar interests and opinions, get along wonderfully. We are both pretty laid back people in general. We’ve hung out, in the most literal sense of the term, a few times in the last few weeks (we’ve both initiated equally). Its been really…platonic. I’m not looking to dive head first into anything right now but I want SOMETHING to happen here. I’m not a very pushy person and I’m used to guys being really forward with me about what they want, so I’m stuck.

Anyways, we grab dinner and drinks last night and were there for 4 hours talking (drove separately, split the bill when I offered). I thought it went really well. We went on a walk and continued talking for a while before parting ways. I acknowledge that I’m not very forward when it comes to when I’m interested in someone, so in combination with that and our collective laid-back-ness I’m fighting an uphill battle on the sexual chemistry train.

My question is would it be wrong to just come out and ask him? In a very “hey, I’m really into you, and kinda need to know if you’re into me too” type way? I don’t want to scare him off, but I also don’t play games. My best guess is either he’s not into me any more than a friend, or the signs I’m trying to give off aren’t enough for him to make a move.The whole touch barrier thing is so easy with us that there’s no “spark”, if that makes any sense.

I’d really appreciate some help on if/how to go about asking. Thanks!

Demetrius says:

You may or may not realize it, but I’m a pretty laid back guy too. It took me a very long time to realize that being laid-back and cool with just about everything is great for maintaining friendships, but terrible for dating and showing interest. I learned late in my dating life that in order to find success in dating, I needed to convey my attraction with directness and honesty, even if it meant losing some of my nonchalant “cool” in the process. I’ve been in a few situations like your situation and I’m telling you what I would tell younger Demetrius if I ever met him: Use your words!

I have nothing against how you’re approaching dating this guy and it sounds to me like you both are already on the way to establishing a solid base for dating. Friendship is a really good start for a relationship. The only problem is that neither one of you has established how attracted you are to each other person. Don’t feel too bad about it though, it’s better to be in this sort of position than the opposite, where your sexual attraction is there but you can’t tell if they actually like spending time with you. Trust me, it’s less of an uphill battle than you think. If he’s already spending time with you on dates then you at least know he’s into you, even if it’s only on a platonic level.

To answer your question of whether it would be wrong to just come out and ask him if he’s into you…of course it’s not wrong! What could be wrong about asking an innocent question? While I am a self-professed laid back person, I tend to counsel open and honest communication, even if it can get awkward or uncomfortable for you. I think it will serve you well to get the question out-of-the-way as soon as possible before you really start to fall for this guy. I wont get into the guessing game of why he hasn’t made a move because…what’s the point? It doesn’t matter why he hasn’t made a move, it only matters if he’s interested or not.

 You were on the right track with your idea of how to ask if he’s interested, but it did sound a bit desperate. If I were in your shoes, this is how I’d ask if he was interested. I’ve edited it to give you your go-to “Are you interested?” prompt (red=remove, blue=insert):

“Hey, I’m really into you, and wanted kinda need to know if you’re into me too”

Without edits….

“Hey, I’m into you, and wanted to know if you’re into me too”

It’s that simple. You’ll get a Yes, No, or a Maybe. I’m guessing you’ll get a yes, but anything is possible. Based on the fact that he reciprocates your attention, the fact that you guys went out for an actual date (dinner and drinks) and the fact that you’ve hung out pretty frequently in the last week I think it’s safe to say the odds are in your favor.

Good Luck Out There.

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