She asked if we were on a date and I said no. Did I miss my chance?

cheesehead1204 asks:

I’m a senior in college with limited dating experience. The girl I’m interested in is also a senior at my school. I’ve known her since freshman year, but we didn’t see each other often and weren’t particularly close until recently.

A few weeks ago we went to a movie screening at our school together. It wasn’t meant to be a date, but this was likely going to be a springboard to officially asking her out later. When we were on our way to the event, the girl’s best friend (who I’ve met) called asking her where she was and ended up asking her if the movie we were going to was a date. She told her friend it wasn’t, but then looked to me and said “is it?” Put on the spot and not wanting to make things awkward I said it wasn’t. We had a good time at the movie and have texted each other a few times since, but I delayed asking her out right away because I felt like I had just defined our relationship as a friendship only and I didn’t know how to act.

Now over the past few days she’s posted a couple of pictures on Facebook with some dude that she may or may not be dating and I feel like I may have missed my chance to do something with her. Should I still ask her out? Should I find out if she is indeed dating that guy first? Any suggestions?

Buddy, you may have missed your chance to really make your intentions clear, but it’s not too late. I’ll level with you, telling her it wasn’t a date was a really bad move, but it’s not as  bad you might think. Yes, you missed a chance but you didn’t miss your chance completely, you just need to be prepared to do something a bit more drastic than what you’re doing right now. It’s time to ramp up.

To answer your questions simply:

Should I still ask her out? Yes. You’re already in the worst position possible, it’s time to throw up a hail mary

Should I find out if she is indeed dating that guy first? No. I’ll get to that later.

Any suggestions? Why yes I have suggestions. Read on, my friend.

The first thing you want to do is bring up the fact that YES you are interested in her and YES you’d like to go on an actual date with her. If possible, do it in a way that acknowledges that you said you weren’t on a date but regret that because you were put on the spot. It’s okay to make a split second decision that you regret and I’m sure she’ll understand, just tell her that had been thinking about it and got a bit nervous when you were put on the spot. You want to do this as soon as possible so that any doubts she may have had about you can be alleviated.

You also want to avoid asking about her potential new dude. In your head it might sound like a good idea,  but trust me, it will make you look bad. I can picture it now “So you are interested in me, but you only thought to ask me out AFTER you see me in pictures with some other guy?”. It might be a coincidence, or that might actually be your motivator, but you don’t have to say that or indirectly say it by bringing up your potential competition. If she agrees to go on a date with you, save the conversation about other guys she might be dating for at least date #3. Until then, you’ll just have to wait to ask and deal with all the “What if?” scenarios in your head. Keep in mind that even if she is dating someone, that doesn’t mean that she wouldn’t want to go on a date with you.

Finally, try to consider that even if you do all of this, the window may have been closed. I know I said that you might still have a shot but you wont know until you ask. It’s possible that she was turned off by you telling her that you guys weren’t on a date. In that case just remember that it’s hard to change someone’s mind from friend to romantic interest and if she feels like the door for romantic relationship was completely closed, it’s possible that you lost your chance. In the future, remember to say “Maybe?” or “Do you want it to be?” whenever anyone who you might even vaguely be interested in asks if you’re interested.

You may have lost a shot because you lacked quick wits, but at worst it was a learning experience. Remember, when in doubt, never give a definitive answer. You might save yourself a shot by saying “Maybe” all coy and what not.

Good Luck Out There.

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