Is she playing with me or what?

CarlSag asks: 

This girl is driving me nuts. Tonight she cancelled our agreed study date to go spend time with one of her guy friends who was feeling down about his lacrosse game. So there’s that.

But two nights ago she threw together this whole outing for us. We grabbed some dinner at an average pasta place and then headed back to campus. She got a picnic blanket, some wine, and a lantern and we sat under the stars and talked. It was fucking awesome. We also kissed for the first time and commenced to make out a little, but it didn’t escalate beyond that. She then asked me if I liked her and I confessed that I did and that I thought she didn’t like me the same way, but in fact she did. After that we went back and lounged on the couch to rest up for this foam dance, during which time she was kissing my head occasionally, but in like an affectionate way, not romantic. I mean, this has to be a clear sign that we’ve got something good.

So yes, two nights ago was very promising and I was definitely head over heels for this girl at that point and I was certain things had reached the ‘next level’, you know? I definitely pushed past the friend zone. But now I’m not so certain because this dude she blew me off for tonight. Looking back on the time we’ve spent together I can recall several times that she mentioned that she is close friends with other guys. And in the moment I didn’t really think much of it because those guys aren’t the guy that’s with her right now drinking wine and enjoying the stars or what have you.

A lot of times girls just tend to have many guy friends, and that’s cool. However, I’ve heard that you should be wary of girls who have many guy friends because they could be stringing all of these guys along at once. I don’t know if she’s that girl, but a few months ago I actually happened upon her with a guy friend and we both kind of looked at each other like, “who’s this guy?” and she seemed a bit uneasy about the confrontation. Or at least that’s the vibe I got.

 It sounds like your issue has less to do with whether or not she’s playing you, and more to do with your own confidence. I can answer your questions simply and you can move on from here, or take my advice. To answer your question on whether or not this girl is playing you: No, she’s probably not playing you. For starters, it sounds like you just started dating so as far as “playing you” goes, it’s not like you guys are in a relationship. Does this mean that she’s not potentially dating other people? Also a No. Chances are very high that she likes you and wants to date you but until you guys are in a relationship she’ll keep her options open. Does that mean that she cancelled your study date to hook up with the lax bro? No, it means exactly what she said it was. She cancelled a STUDY DATE to hang out with a guy friend. Had she cancelled an actual date, I’d caution you to be wary. Personally, I’d blow off a study date in a heart beat because study dates are never fun.

With that out-of-the-way, lets talk about your confidence. You have doubts about whether she is stringing you along, or not primarily interested in you because she bailed on a study date, the fact that she has several guy friends, and at some point you ran in to her presumably while she was out with a male friend. You also mention the fact that you feel like you have “pushed past the friend zone”. Here’s what I get from what you’ve actually said: You lack a certain level of confidence to date effectively. That lack of confidence comes from a place of fear.You really like this girl but you’re afraid that although she’s shown interest in you, that interest could easily be supplanted by another more appealing guy, or guys, and while you had a great time with her, you fear that maybe she doesn’t like you as much as you like her. I’m going to give it to you straight, you simply CANNOT date like this if you want to have any hope of developing any healthy relationships now or in the future.

If you want to have any chances of success with her (or any woman ever) you have to get over these issues you have with confidence.

Here’s how you should approach your current dating situation:

1. Don’t think about her options

Unless she’s cancelling on actual dates to be with someone else, don’t fill your head with “what ifs”. Even if she is dating the lax bro, it’s possible that she likes you more. Or it’s possible that she likes him more. It honestly doesn’t matter because it’s out of your hands. I know that it’s hard to tune out the noise in your head that is throwing up warning signs, just to try to embrace your indifference. If she is dating other people, so what, you can too. All you should be thinking about is planning your next day and making it a memorable one.

2. Drop your ideas about the friend zone

It doesn’t exist and dwelling on the idea that it does exist will most certainly land you there. It’s a prison of your own making. She’s either attracted to you, or not. Remember that.

3. Don’t act on your fears

Whether it’s a fear that she’ll lose interest, or that you’ll fall back into the friendzone, or you’re afraid that she’s leading you on or dating other people, you simply cannot let your fears dictate how you date.

The most important take away from this should be that Yes, it’s possible that she might be seeing other people, but until you guys are monogamous, it shouldn’t matter to you. If she starts cancelling on actual dates, by all means call her out or end things. But until you get more serious, don’t worry too much about who she’s with when she isnt’ with you.

Good Luck Out There.

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